TO: All Cats
FROM: Household Management
DATE: November 13, 2013
Effective immediately, the cat toy budget has been suspended until further notice. Management has noticed the exorbitant number of misused, broken, or ignored items that were specifically purchased for your amusement. Until all heathens confined in this household can learn to appreciate the gifts provided unselfishly by your owners, all presents that jingle, dangle, roll, flap, or flutter will be withheld. No amount of begging, flattery, or bribery will sway us otherwise.
In order to re-establish toy budget, the following guidelines must be followed:
1. Put toys away when you are not playing with them.
Although management fears sounding unprofessional, there is no other way to ask in a manner that conveys our current emotional state than by saying, “What the fuck happened here?” Were you trying to dig to the center of the Earth via your toy box? Was it really necessary to leave something lying in the middle of the floor for management to step upon on a dark night? A reply would be appreciated as management is rather dumbfounded as to why the floor looks like the toy box fucking exploded.
2. Do not stash toys under furniture.
Management is unsure how this practice started (we only assume you are trying to hide toys from each another). Regardless of the reason, the stashing of toys deep under furniture must terminate immediately. Housekeeping has reported numerous occasions where this resulted in repeatedly clogging vacuum cleaner hose.
3. Do not use toys in a way that they were not designed.
The image you see on the left is called a Cataction Magneticat.
As stated by the PetCo website, “The Cataction Magneticat mesmerizing magnetic motion cat toy works without batteries or motors, it runs with magnets! It bobbles, swings and flies around just waiting for your cat to come a running. And, we know your cat is going to love the brightly colored lady bug cat toy at the end of the sturdy steel pole. Plus, it is easy to set up; simply snap together and it is ready to go!”
You can imagine how management imagined how much you would enjoy such a contraption. Does it look familiar?
Maybe the image on the right will help jog your memory. This is how the fifteen dollar toy looked only a few weeks later.
Did you not read the instruction manual before chomping off the only interesting part?
Management does not know which of you five toy-wreckers ruined the fun for the rest of the pack. Management just knows that management is not buying another toy until the guilty party tapes this one back together.