A Valentine for Cat Lovers

April 25, 2014

Memphis’s Brooks Museum of Art is hosting the perfect Valentine’s Day event for all socially awkward singles: the second annual Must Love Cats.  For only $15 a pop, lonely cat lovers can pause from bitching, griping, and whining on Facebook about being lonely and single to awkwardly interact with others like them while the rest of us celebrate the holiday with our special someone like God intended.

If you are a lonely/single griper, you’ll be delighted to know that admission provides access to:

A DJ’d party with a cash bar

The $15 admission is almost worth the chance to observe how “cat people” party.  What kind of music inspires a lonely cat person to dance?  Do they dance in clumps or solo?  Will the static friction generated by the cat hair clinging to their attire short out nearby electronics?  Do they snort cat nip in the bathroom stalls?  I feel like not going will be a missed opportunity to study this undocumented behavior and share with the social science community. 

Pictured above: Government-issue cat-owner uniform.  I have 5.

Pictured above: Government-issue cat-owner uniform. I have 5.


Art-making Activities

Just what I don’t need: more crap for my condemnable house.  For $15, I imagine the art-making won’t be too extravagant.  With such a low admission (that includes other amenities) I assume participants will be provided a paper plate, glitter, glue, construction paper, and a pair of scissors.  If I was in charge of this event, I would just put out an assortment of paints and brushes.  What could be more fun than painting cats?

"Paint me like one of your French cats."

“Paint me like one of your French cats.”


Cat-inspired performances by Opera Memphis

Sooooo local opera singers are volunteering their talent to scream and wail like a cat?  Not sure this will go over well.  I don’t know about you, but even the most accomplished soprano would annoy the ever-loving Hell out of me caterwauling like a cat in heat.   Does each performance end with someone leaning out of a nearby window and chunking a shoe at the back of the performer’s coiffed head to shut them up before they wake the entire neighborhood?


The Internet Cat Video Festival

75+ minutes of cat videos you probably already caught on YouTube or American’s Funniest Home Videos.   If I went, I would be disappointed if it turned out to be a compilation of “cats being cute” videos and not “cats doing stupid things and hurting themselves” videos like the ones I enjoy.  The disclaimer on the website that reads, “Must be 21 and over to attend,” however, concerns me.  I’m going to assume this is because alcohol is served and not because the Internet Cat Video Festival contains clips of furries banging each other.

Then the pizza delivery cat arrives and things get really weird.

Then the pizza delivery cat arrives and things get really weird.


If you live in the Memphis area and attending this event, you are required to supply me with a full report.  I will be performing in a critically-acclaimed comedy production at the time and must entertain my fans.  Your feedback will be greatly appreciated.