Cat Owner’s Guide to a Clean Home

April 25, 2014

Dear Journal,

The largest burden to undertake when cohabiting with one or more cats is the absence of cleanliness and order.  Cat hair tumbleweeds, hairball vomit, the stench of shit, and vandalized furniture are only a few of the obstacles that compulsive cleaners face daily.  But there is help.  Here are the items you need to ensure that the re-sell value of your home remains stable. I recommend you click the bold text for links to order items.

Portable Vacuum: Ideal for a home with hardwood floors.  You need something that will allow you to easily suck hair and kibble out from under furniture but also light enough to use when vacuuming the walls (please tell me I’m not the only one that vacuums the walls).  My suggestion for cat owners with carpeted homes is to buy a home with hardwood floors.

Rubber sponge: Since Hair Club refuses to treat my heathens for hair loss, I wipe this fucker over any taut, upholstered surface.   The one downside is that it wears down, leaving bits of debris in its path like an eraser, but it doesn’t leave a mark when aggressively thrown onto fighting cats.

Air Purifier: Expensive but necessary.  Place one in every room of your condemnable home, and watch the look of surprise on the face of the rare guest you allow inside as they comment on how pure the air in your home smells (even with five cats).  Be sure to clean and change the filters regularly; otherwise, you’ll end up with nothing more than a $1,000 fan.

Stain and Odor Remover: If you have a cat that pees while standing (and, trust me, it looks as weird as it sounds), you will need plenty of this.  At high concentrations, this shit will eat up anything.*

Poison, I mean, Scented Candles: Sometimes even the most powerful litter is incapable of masking the funk of what dropped or squirted out of your cat’s asshole.  Partner tells me that scented candles are toxic to cats (as if this supposedly deters me).  Place one in each room of the house and light up 10 minutes before having either company or a conniption fit.

Apathy Sauce: Apply generously to stomach as needed by securely connecting bottle to mouth and throwing back head. Within 20 minutes, your house will be perspectively “clean.”  WARNING: Over-consumption results in locking self in a dark hall closet uncontrollably crying over what has become of your home.

Magic Wands: Typically utilized after excessive use of apathy sauce.  Wave magic wand against box until wand activates.  Place wand on sofa, run outside with the heathens, and watch in manic glee as the magic engulfs your home.  WARNING: Be sure home insurance is current prior to use of magic wand.*

* Partner wants me to tell you not to use the product under the hyperlink because they are unsafe.  Whatever.


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  1. Welcome to The Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal « The Reluctant Cat Owner's Journal - August 29, 2014

    […] Cat Owner’s Guide to a Clean Home: As a multi-cat owner, it’s tough to keep a house clean, but here’s how you can. […]