Dear Phil Robertson,

April 25, 2014

You don’t know me, but you talk as if you think you do.  This is why I am writing you this open letter for all to see because just like you, I have a platform in which to share my own opinions and beliefs; however, unlike you, I do not have a large following, so the impact of my words will hardly have any effect on your life.

Allow me to introduce you to my audience.

Allow me to introduce you to my audience.

 

Honestly, I had never heard of you until now, but suddenly, you are everywhere.  The backlash regarding your comments on gay men must be confusing to you.  After all, you only shared your opinions and beliefs during an interview that was published in an international magazine.  You said things like,

“We never judge someone on who’s going to heaven, hell.  That’s the Almighty’s job.  We just love ’em, give ’em the good news about Jesus – whether they’re homosexual, drunks, terrorists.”

and

“It seems like, to me, a vagina — as a man — would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”

Pictured: allergic reaction to vagina.

Pictured: allergic reaction to vagina.

 

I must admit that the rest of us at our weekly gay meeting had a good laugh about the “anus” comment.  And your comment about the vagina being the only desirable part on a woman’s body educated us on not only why lesbians exist but also why so many ugly women find husbands. 

You can always spot the President at our meetings because he's the only one allowed to wear a t-shirt.

You can always spot the President at our meetings because he’s the only one allowed to wear a t-shirt.

 

1)  Homosexuals get offended when you put them in the same category as terrorism and bestiality.   The last I checked, it takes two sound-minded, consenting adults for homosexuality to exist, and we are pretty sensitive about being referred to as anything other than an equal human being.  Since we deal with prejudice daily, we’re pretty exhausted and irritable.  For more information, please refer to Isaiah Washington, Chick-Fil-A, and Mel Gibson.  Gays are some boycotting motherfuckers.

So why is it when I say, "Christians are mean," you get angry, but when you say "Faggots are going to Hell," you cry for your freedom of speech?

So why is it when I say, “Christians are mean,” you get angry, but when you say “Faggots are going to Hell,” you cry for your freedom of speech?

 

2) Some people don’t like being preached to.  Okay.  We get it.  You love your God.  But reel that shit in.  It’s been a while since I was a practicing Christian (your kind repulsed me away with all that “love the sin; hate the sinner” bullshit), but I don’t think you get points for marketing your faith.  Do you?  Is this something new, like the most passionate Christian wins?  If this is the case, do you mind just preaching amongst yourselves?  Personally, my favorite Christians are the ones that keep it to themselves.

"Okay guys, the whole salvation thing isn't going over very well.  We need new members, so get out there and sell, sell, sell!" - President of Christianity Sales

“Okay guys, the whole salvation thing isn’t going over very well. We need new members, so get out there and sell, sell, sell!” – President of Christianity Sales

 

3) You have a large platform on which to speak nowadays.  Be careful what you say.  Sure, you say that you don’t judge your fellow man (even though you just called us, like, sinners and said we were going to Hell…which, I think, is…um…judging), but your words will reach people that will only hear the negative and use it as fodder for their actions and words.  Remember when that Dixie Chick announced at a concert how embarrassed she was of our former president?  I don’t know her personally, but have a feeling she still loved our country.  However, that one statement pretty much sealed her fate.  Why?  Because she offended a lot of people.  Strong opinions are not meant for broadcasting, they are meant for conversation.

Pictured: man with large, influential audience.  Yeah.  I went there.

Pictured: man with large, influential audience. Yeah. I went there.

 

4) It’s television, but it’s still business.  To execute damage control, A&E apparently made the decision to distance themselves from a hot-button issue.  They are in the business of entertaining a very broad audience (even the homosexuals from time to time, though we’re still waiting for our Cher marathon).  This is why they do not air shows like The KKKomedy Hour or The Man-Boy Love Boat, because it would offend people.

The KKKomedy Hour with your host Michael Richards.  Featuring  John Mayer's penis and musical guest Johnny Rebel.

The KKKomedy Hour with your host Michael Richards. Featuring John Mayer’s penis and musical guest Johnny Rebel.

 

I’m sorry this had to happen.   You seem kind of like a nice person.  But you’ll be fine.  From what I have read, you have enough money to buy your way into heaven even if the Bible states, “it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”