Dr. Schizo’s Guide to Piloting an Automobile

April 25, 2014

Quick Reference Guide #1

Schizo students are hailed as drivers that garner a lot of attention on the road.  With such a prestigious reputation, student’s of Dr. Schizo’s School for Piloting Automobiles have their own nickname: Schizo’s.  But being a Schizo isn’t easy.  It takes practice, patience, and dedication to drive like a Schizo.

There are many complicated rules to piloting an automobile so it’s best to learn a few at a time.  Once you have mastered the information on quick reference number 1 (below), move on to quick reference number 2.  If you practice the following rules, people will know you’re a Schizo, too.

bWhen another automobile attempts to merge in front of you, a Schizo would apply pressure to the accelerator and pilot their automobile as close as possible to the bumper of the automobile in front of them.  This prevents the offending vehicle from cutting in.  If he or she wants in your lane bad enough, they can get behind you.

cA Schizo needs to exit the interstate soon, but they need to merge into the lane on their right.  If the pilot of an automobile in the next lane will not let you merge, lift hand to display offensive gesture to communicate your disapproval of their inconsideration because they’re obviously idiots for not understanding. 



dIf the pilot of another automobile does not indicate their turn or merge with a blinker, a Schizo would throw their hands in the air and chant curses to the pilot of the other vehicle.  Do they think you can read their mind?  They’re idiots, and their stupidity will cause an accident.

eIf a Schizo is in a hurry for whatever reason (whether late for a hair appointment or delivering a kidney to a patient on the operating table), a blinker is probably one of the last things on their mind.  Don’t worry about it.




fIf the left-turn arrow on the other side of a multi-lane intersection has extinguished, and there is still traffic racing through, a Schizo would quickly stomp on the accelerator pedal to dart the car forward.  This will give the other pilot the impression that you are unhappy with their impatience and intend to hit them with your car.  They are obviously being selfish, as if their time is more important than yours.



gIf making a left turn across a multi-lane intersection, and the turn arrow JUST extinguished, a Schizo would cross anyway.    What’s the oncoming traffic going to do?  Hit you?




hIf a Schizo happens upon a distracted pilot of an automobile in front of them at a green light, it is safe to assume that he or she is either texting or daydreaming.  A Schizo would let this driver know how important your time is by applying pressure to center of steering wheel.  If other pilot responds to horn by looking in his or her rear view mirror, display offensive hand gestures and yell.  Don’t they know that Schizo’s have places to go?  You are, after all, on the road.

iIf the pilot of automobile behind a Schizo has the audacity to alert a them with a light tap of their horn to indicate that they are holding up traffic, a Schizo would firmly apply the break pedal until the traffic light turns yellow.  Just before the light turns red again, the Schizo would rapidly apply pressure to the accelerator pedal to navigate their automobile through the light, leaving offending pilot of other automobile at red light.  Who do they thing they are? 

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