How to Re-Home Your Cat

April 25, 2014

Sometimes people need to re-home their cat(s).  I don’t know why [writer’s note: insert sarcasm].

I admit that after being jolted awake at 3 a.m. from a cat rumpus in the dining room, I have considered taping one of the heathens into a cardboard box and slapping on a label with some random international address I find on the internet.

Not really what I expected when I Googled

Not really what I expected when I Googled “cat play.”

If you need to re-home your cat, make sure that your heathen stays in their new home forever and not passed around like a chain letter.  Since not many people actually want a cat, I suggest you be creative in advertising your unwanted animal.

Many marketing firms suggest that sex sells.  If you want to get someone’s attention, you do it through a sexually appealing ad.  In most cases, this works for me; but needless to say, this generalized statement does not apply when attempting to re-home kittens.


Instead of tarting up your unwanted animal(s), I suggest an alternative method.  Hear me out.  People love items that serve multiple purposes, like a spatula that can also be a fly swatter or cheese-slicer/dental floss.  This way, they feel like they are getting more bang for their buck.

For example, let’s take a look at this total stranger’s eBay account:


In the image above, you can see that this smart, clever, and probably attractive person is not only selling a cat.  For $75.00, you get a cat delivered to your front door via USPS ground as well as an elegant centerpiece that licks its asshole on the same surface on which you chop vegetables no matter how many times you tell it not to.  This person should really do a swab test on many of my home’s surfaces, but I’m sure they have not stockpiled enough Xanax for the terrifying results.

In your item description, feel free to use as many colorful adjectives as possible because sometimes buyers are pretty stupid.  This stranger that I never met decided that “elegant” and “formal” would fit the type of home Mr. Tiddles – I mean, this cat deserves.


Gays love exotic artwork. This is why another stranger that I bet is really popular with his or her best friends posted the above ad.

For the gregarious homosexual (sorry for the redundancy), simply toss a sparkling, red boa onto your startled cat for a touch of flare and place in the center of any flat surface for a conversation starter at your Sunday brunches or theme parties.

So act fast.  I’m sure supplies are limited, and the account will surely be closed once Partner discovers it.