A few weeks ago, I checked my mail with the expectation of finally finding my Nobel prize for blogging; instead, I found an invitation to a baby shower. I had never attended one before, so I was intrigued by the opportunity to experience something new. At first, it was difficult to accept the fact that I was partaking in an event that didn’t revolve around me, but I shoved my selfishness aside long enough to mark my calendar for August 28, 2013. Who knows? Maybe there would be a male stripper. Women love male strippers at their parties, don’t they?
Being new to the ritual, I revisited memories where women shoved down my throat their unsolicited stories of bestowing gifts to the unborn child and playing silly games. Based on their description of events that take place during a shower, the term “baby shower” is very misleading. There were no bathed babies nor did babies rain down from the sky, which made me curious as to where the term “baby shower” came from.
The gift selection process was to be my first task, and it became more of a challenge than I expected. I’ve never had one of my own, but I’ve seen enough Maury Povich and Toddlers & Tiaras to have a good understanding of what babies like: makeup, earrings, and jewelry. My problem? The mother-to-be was having a boy.
Most of my day-to-day knowledge is acquired through television programs, and since I don’t recall many that exploit baby boys, I had to use my imagination. After many sleepless nights of brain storming, I narrowed my choices down to:
Bacon Flavored Baby Formula: Oh my god; who doesn’t like bacon!? I’m pretty sure the baby will get bored with breast milk for every meal, so why not give the mother’s knockers a break and introduce the tyke to the best flavor in the world (next to corn dogs and candy corn). My mouth is watering just thinking about it. I may have to order some for myself.
Baby Merkin: It’s a fact that children are reaching puberty at an earlier age with every generation. I remember how frustrated I was in junior high when I still had nothing to show for my manhood (other than a wang). It was embarrassing. I had to lie about it when my friends regaled in stories of the trails and tribulations of their newfound short and curlies. With a baby merkin, no baby will ever be picked on or feel shame for not reaching puberty at the same time as his playmates at the nursery.
My only problem was I couldn’t find any place locally or online that sold them. I tried wig shops, but the first rule of a merkin is that subtle is better. You want your baby to look masculine, not like it just came from shooting a ’70s porn.
But then I thought, ‘Why not give something to the parents of the newborn child?’ Having five cats, I understand the energy required when caring for something that can’t take care of itself.
Colostomy Bag: I’ve never had a baby of my own (God made me gay for a reason), but I have endured listening to so many new parents bitch and moan about changing dirty diapers that I’ve wondered why nobody has thought of this before. After a minor surgery to install the tubing, a parent would never have to worry about changing a “mud”-splattered diaper. Ever.
That’s called thinking outside of the box, folks.
Just do me a favor, and don’t Google Image colostomy bag. Seriously. I’ve lost my appetite for a week. You’re welcome.
Remote Control Stroller: Or, as the website calls it, “child electric bicycle stroller bumper car space car toy car baby remote control car walker.” No lie. Look it up for yourself.
I’ve pushed enough lawn mowers to know that after a while, your triceps and shoulders get pretty tired. Just plop your unambulant blob into this contraption that was obviously inspired by the creator’s childhood nightmares and guide it around with a push of a button and the wiggle of a joystick. WARNING: Using this device can make other new parents jealous or scare small animals.
However, upon closer inspection of the invitation, I discovered that the future parents were registered at three local stores. Reviewing this registry made my purchase a lot easier. Glad I found it. Damn, I was way off.
At the shower, the mother-to-be seemed very pleased with my purchases; however, I was disappointed when not one male stripper made an appearance before the shower ended.
What’s the most interesting baby shower gift you ever received?