The Pet Contract

April 25, 2014

Pursuant to the submissive party (hereafter known as Pet) gaining permission from the dominant party (hereafter known as Owner) to share living quarters, Pet agrees to adhere to the following rules:

  • Pet must execute at least one cute activity every day in the presence of Owner.  Owner will deem if attempt is satisfactory; if not, cuteness attempts must continue until Owner says, “Awwwww.”  If cuteness has not been achieved by 10:30 pm, affection will be withheld from Pet until further notice.
  • Pet is forbidden from gazing out windows that face the street.  By signing below, Pet understands that Owner does not want neighbors and passers-by to judge him by the number of visible Pets.  Only utilize windows at back of house for gazing.
  • Pet must maintain proper litter etiquette such as:

Do not attack other Pet while they are using litter box.  That’s just low, man.
Cover waste gently.  You are covering shit, not digging to China.
Squat when you pee.
It is a litter box, not a sandbox.  Do your business and get out.

  • Pet is at no time allowed to partake in ablutions while crammed between legs of sleeping Owner.  Failure to comply will result in being clamped between Owner’s thighs for 10 painful seconds or until Pet is able to squirm free, whichever comes first.
  • Pet shall not lower value of furniture through scratching, vomiting, shedding, etc.  Failure to comply will result in Owner being pushed over brink of insanity, and therefore, will not be held liable for the bloodshed that may ensue.
  • Pet shall not inform Owner when Pet is hungry.  Owner is most likely sleeping or just got home from a long day at the office and will provide sustenance when Owner damn well feels ready.  Failure to comply will result in Pet being tethered to neighbor’s dog.  May the hungriest animal win.
  • Pet must not taunt Owner with bad behavior while Owner is confined to toilet.  This includes but is not limited to fighting, vomiting, or climbing into bathroom cabinets (which Pet should know by now is off limits as it is difficult to pluck out a scared, blind cat that has crawled in and forgotten how to get out).  Failure to comply will result in Owner not really caring and leaving Pet to fend for itself (Pet will eventually realize that Pet is clawing at the back of the cabinet).  Good luck!
  • Pet is not allowed to be a picky eater.  Pet will eat what Owner provides as Owner spends over a dollar for every damn can.  Pet’ll eat it and love it.  Failure to comply will result in Pet getting job as a bomb runner, drug mule, or prostitute and buying own damn food.
  • Pet will not shed.  By signing below, Pet understands that it is not a chemo patient, and therefore, is not permitted to coat the house in fur.  Failure to comply will result in Pet being either permanently confined to latex body suit or shaved, your choice.

    This document is subject to addition or addendum at any time Owner sees fit.

    Repeat offenses will result in creative corrective action that may include termination of cohabitation.

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    Owner Signature

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    Pet Signature