Welcome to Fundamental Holy News where our hard-hitting, self-righteous reporters spread the word based on faith, not facts.
Good evening. I’m Burk Langley. Our top story tonight: President Bachmann has announced the creation of an 11th amendment to be posted in all public forums alongside the other ten: Thou shalt not not promote the word of God to everyone everywhere. President Bachmann rejoiced in the passing of this bill saying, “God spoke to me and requested the addition of the 11th amendment. Simple as that.”
And now lets go to our medical correspondent, Dr. Blaine Tyson for the latest in medicine.
Praise Jesus, Dr. Blaine.
Thanks to research and surveys conducted by our diligent Congress, they have discovered the true origin of the HIV/AIDS virus. Deductive reasoning by our nation’s elected minds has concluded that once sperm comes into contact with the inside of a rectum, the sperm transmutates to the HIV or AIDS virus.
This is groundbreaking news in the medical community’s research on tracking this virus. And as a reminder: heterosexuals are advised not to touch a carrier of the virus or any objects they may have come into contact with. If a gay near you sneezes, pray and get tested immediately.
Back to you Andy.
Thank you, Dr. Tyson.
It was announced today that Belinda Parker, the Idaho resident made famous after her image became viral on the internet when she asked atheists how they can not believe in God since the sky is blue, has been appointed as the new head of the department of education. In a recorded interview, she was quoted as saying, “Nothing is smarter than a person with a strong faith.”
Now for sports, we turn to Andy Hanson. Praise Jesus, Andy.
Praise Jesus, Burk.
Two teams faced off for the title of State Champion this past weekend. The Blue Rollers competed against the undefeated Angels Saturday night. It was a close game, but The Blue Rollers took home the title because quarterback Scott Danson from the Angels failed to thank God after a victorious touchdown near the end of the second quarter. It’s unfortunate and Scott regretted not pointing to the Heavens after crossing the end zone stating, “I was so focused on the game, and it slipped my mind.”
I guess it goes to show what can happen if you don’t praise Him for your victories.
Now that prayer is enforced in our public schools, juvenile crime, teen pregnancy, and low grades continue to be a burden in our country.
For answers, we reached out to our public minister who said that the citizens of this country need to pray harder for the school prayer to work, stating, “We’ll know when our prayers work when juvenile crime, teen pregnancy, and low grades improve.”
And now let’s go to Riley Perkins for the weather.
Praise Jesus, Riley.
Praise Jesus, Burk.
It was a nice day today for most of the country, but the North-East should expect the wrath of God for the gays Monday evening and into Tuesday morning in the form of heavy thunderstorms and possible flash flooding. A heat wave has punished much of the South-West for abortions. And God is bringing heavy rains into Washington warning the public schools to back off on this theory of evolution.
Back to you Burk.
We close this evening with images of starving children in Africa. With their swollen abdomens, frail frames, and flies buzzing around their face, take a moment and think of these poor, unfortunate children and what they did to piss Jesus off so much.
Goodnight and praise Jesus.