From: God, The Almighty, Esq
To: Cary Vaughn
Re: Overcrowded Animal Shelters
It has been brought to my attention that you find humor in the quote, “Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.” This scripture, mistakenly edited out of the first draft of my Bible, was not intended as a joke. I find it disturbing that you mindlessly sacrifice an innocent animal every time you “crank a shot” of life elixir. I created you to have better morals than that.
You have single-handedly caused an overcrowding situation in Heaven’s animal shelters, so this memo is to serve as corrective action and written documentation of my plea for you to cease “making milkshakes.” Keep this up at the rate you are going, and you will be responsible for the extinction of the Turkish Angora and the Burman.
Also edited from the HR Handbook (what you refer to as the Bible), kittens are not your only victims of my wrath for your sin. The following is a list of animals that die from your selfish amusement and pleasure:
Kittens – solo stimulation aka “masturbation” (among other terms)
Puppies – Oral stimulation aka “face-riding the vajayjay or smoking pole”
Baby seal – partnered solo stimulation aka “hand job” or “HJ”
Bunny Rabbit – Rectal Stimulation aka “anal”
If this practice continues, I will have no choice but to reinstate the policy of blindness and hairy palms and terminate you from the company.
Thank you for your time and I look forward to your cooperation.
P.S. I also don’t find humor in you referring to sexually active men as “web slingers.” I expect higher professionalism from you. Why can’t you be more of a Baptist?