Dear Alexis Grace:
I am writing to express my interest in pursuing a career in celebrity stalking. As a fan of your music, I believe I have what it takes to make you uncomfortable: over-enthusiasm, disposable income to buy all registered Alexis Grace merchandise, and very little dignity when it comes to dressing like you during public performances (for example, I think I would look rather fetching in a strapless skirt and teased out hair like in the video below).
Your talent instills an eagerness to celebrate you, but it’s your devotion to cats that make me a hard-core, devoted fan (which I call ‘Gracious,’ but if you don’t like calling your fans Gracious, I’m open to ideas; Gracers just sounded too much like ‘greasers’). While Facebook-stalking you (a harmless crime, really), I found the most adorable pictures of your extended family!
For example, the authoritative cat pictured above is Buttercup. You and your daughter rescued her when she was just a tiny kitten after his momma passed away, and for seven months you thought she was a boy until you took her to the vet to get neutered.
The cat below is another rescue cat from the Memphis Animal Shelter named Charlie Parker. He perches on shoulders like a parrot and skitters when scared like a spider. In my opinion, he’s the more adorable of the two, but when I come over to play with them while you are touring, I promise to give equal attention to each.
My stalking resume is pretty impressive, if I may so say so myself. I’ve honed these skills through years of ex’s and infatuations without one restraining order. I also am able to work holidays and weekends (though request two weeks of paid vacation a year). If you have any trepidations, please know that my impassioned ravings of your talent will not interfere with your marriage to Swedish Gun Factory creator (and collaborator), Thomas Bergstig.
You’ll be glad to know that I’ve prepared for my position by repeatedly listening to your songs I downloaded from iTunes
So is there an official application that I need to complete or will this letter suffice? I promise I won’t let you down. With me, you will be SO tabloid famous.
The Reluctant Cat Owner
[Writer’s Note: Download copies of Alexis Grace’s music by clicking here, here, and here for iTunes or here, here, and here for CDBaby.].