Welcome to The Emotional Chef.
Today we will be preparing one of everybody’s favorite: happiness. We all want happiness, but unfortunately, not everybody knows how to make it.
Personally, I make my own happiness with drugs, but if drugs are not available to you, you can always try the following recipe below.
The type of cat you use is really a matter of preference.
Any cat will do as long as it’s not feral or dead.
For demonstration purposes, I will be using a deaf cat that sleeps with its eyes open as shown on the left.
Any size lap will do.
For this dish, you do not want to substitute the lap for a face. Doing so will not make a very good batch of happiness.
WARNING: Do not substitute lap for any of your private parts.
Step 1: Combine ingredients by placing cat on lap as shown on the right.
WARNING: Do not place lap on cat. Doing so will likely result in a terribly batch of anger.
Notice how legs of lap are stretched out to provide ample space for cat. This is preferred but usually not required unless your cat is an asshole.
Step 2: Allow 10 to 30 minutes for cat to rise.
Allowing a cat to rise like dough is not necessary, but as you can see, my cat has already begun expanding, so it would be appropriate to let it continue. However, unlike rising dough, do not wrap cat in plastic wrap.
WARNING: Wrapping cat in plastic wrap makes the opposite of happiness.
If cat rolls off lap (as pictured on the right) leave cat be.
NOTE: Refrigeration is not required for cat to rise.
Since the cat I am using has a special, built-in Cerebellar Hypoplasia feature, it automatically shakes itself.
If your cat does not have the special, built-in Cerebellar Hypoplasia feature, you may want to consider skipping this step, too, as shaken cats tend to cause injury to inexperienced chefs.
Bonus: You can tell ingredients are shaken properly when cat kneads lap.
If kneading does not occur on its own, attempt to stroke back end of cat with hand (again, do not substitute hand with face or private parts).
If cat kneading still does not naturally occur, your cat may be spoiled and will need to be replaced with fresh cat.
And VOILA! Happiness!
If you have followed the directions above carefully yet have not made happiness, your cat may have already spoiled. Replace spoiled cat with new cat and try recipe again.
Come back next week as we learn how to prepare emotionally cold dishes such as: shoulders, revenge, and Paula Abdul’s famous hearted snakes.