Reverend Mother Goose

April 28, 2014

Indoctrination is mostly effective when applied to the malleable brain of an impressionable youngster.  This is why I wasn’t surprised to recently discover a Christian version of the Mother Goose collection.  I was amused, but not surprised.

I wasn't joking.  This is a real thing.

I wasn’t joking. This is a real thing.

 

We are all familiar with these strange jingles composed by an acid-dropping writer, but how much alteration must be done to these nursery rhymes for them to be suitable for the Christian palate?  Do Christians fear the corruption of their children if they read the secular book of Mother Goose? I read Mother Goose as a child, and other than growing up to be a heathen, I turned out fine.

I haven’t read this book as the skin of my hands would surely burn upon touching such a holy item, but I have speculated on its content.  For example:

2Three Blind Mice

The mice do not have their tails cut off with a carving knife and are cured of their blindness by Jesus.

 

 

3Old Woman that Lives in a Shoe

This old woman in the shoe is now married to her first and only husband, and all of her children are from the same father.

 

4Baa Baa Black Sheep

The sheep is guilted into tithing 10% of its wool to a local church.

 

 

5Hey Diddle Diddle

Banned from publication as this book refuses to promote the cow-loving Hindu religion.  All powerful cattle jumping over moons?  Not in my Jesus.

 

6Three Men in a Tub

Ends with the three men going to Hell because three men sharing a tub is an abomination and sin again nature.

 

1Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

They still don’t know what you are but are pretty certain you are no older than 6,000 years.

 

1Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

In this version, Peter is lauded for his treatment of women as property.

 

 

1Georgie Porgie

This rhyme now becomes a cautionary tale for little girls who dress like skanks.

 

 

1Little Boy Blue

A new verse is added saying that Little Boy Blue is going to Hell because sloth is a deadly sin.

 

As I completed this entry, I read Amazon reviews for this product, and I’ll be damned if I wasn’t right.

"Political inferences"?

“Political inferences”?

 

I have my doubts about this review.  Someone that uses the term "fabulous" usually isn't Christian.

I have my doubts about this review. Someone that uses the term “fabulous” usually isn’t Christian.

 

And you know those women at the baby shower are all, like, "Damn it, Peggy.  I didn't have this book on my baby shower register! I need diapers and formula, Peggy.  Diapers and formula."

And you know those women at the baby shower are all, like, “Damn it, Peggy. I didn’t have this book on my baby shower register! I need diapers and formula, Peggy. Diapers and formula.”