Indoctrination is mostly effective when applied to the malleable brain of an impressionable youngster. This is why I wasn’t surprised to recently discover a Christian version of the Mother Goose collection. I was amused, but not surprised.
I wasn’t joking. This is a real thing.
We are all familiar with these strange jingles composed by an acid-dropping writer, but how much alteration must be done to these nursery rhymes for them to be suitable for the Christian palate? Do Christians fear the corruption of their children if they read the secular book of Mother Goose? I read Mother Goose as a child, and other than growing up to be a heathen, I turned out fine.
I haven’t read this book as the skin of my hands would surely burn upon touching such a holy item, but I have speculated on its content. For example:
Three Blind Mice
The mice do not have their tails cut off with a carving knife and are cured of their blindness by Jesus.
Old Woman that Lives in a Shoe
This old woman in the shoe is now married to her first and only husband, and all of her children are from the same father.
Baa Baa Black Sheep
The sheep is guilted into tithing 10% of its wool to a local church.
Hey Diddle Diddle
Banned from publication as this book refuses to promote the cow-loving Hindu religion. All powerful cattle jumping over moons? Not in my Jesus.
Three Men in a Tub
Ends with the three men going to Hell because three men sharing a tub is an abomination and sin again nature.
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
They still don’t know what you are but are pretty certain you are no older than 6,000 years.
Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater
In this version, Peter is lauded for his treatment of women as property.
This rhyme now becomes a cautionary tale for little girls who dress like skanks.
Little Boy Blue
A new verse is added saying that Little Boy Blue is going to Hell because sloth is a deadly sin.
As I completed this entry, I read Amazon reviews for this product, and I’ll be damned if I wasn’t right.
I have my doubts about this review. Someone that uses the term “fabulous” usually isn’t Christian.
And you know those women at the baby shower are all, like, “Damn it, Peggy. I didn’t have this book on my baby shower register! I need diapers and formula, Peggy. Diapers and formula.”