I Was Such a Stupid Child

May 6, 2014

Kids are stupid, and growing up, I was no exception. Usually, though, it’s not their fault. As with most knowledge, they don’t know what they’re not told, and learning what they don’t know through observation and deductive reasoning is often wrecked by their outrageously colorful imagination. In other words, you can’t rely on a mind if its logic is warped by the belief in magic and/or Santa Claus. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I had my own assumptions of how life worked when I was a child. For example:

Once Upon a Time, the Entire World was in Black & White

A fun, family activity for many parents is sharing pictures from their youth with their own spawn. Not only does this give the parent an opportunity to stroll down memory lane while sharing stories with their gene pool, but it also allows the adult an opportunity to passive-aggressively show their heathens that they had it better back then (except for bell bottoms; bell bottoms were terrible). However, when Mom shared the contents of her photo album with me back in the early 80s, I didn’t notice the strange hair styles or old cars. My mind was too busy wrapping around the fact that the entire world I saw through her pictures was in black and white. How was this possible? Did the world change to color gradually or did it happen overnight? How could they tell what was green and what was blue? Did green and blue even exist back then? This theory was backed up by the re-runs of Perry Mason Mom watched every Sunday and the John Wayne movies Dad watched on Saturday afternoons.

Moms Don’t Fart

As a pre-schooler, I adamantly believed that Mom was biologically incapable of passing gas. My little mind believed that farting was a rude, obscene, and foul act reserved only for men, boys, and sisters. Even when Mom cracked a fart in my presence, I still blamed Dad. Poor Dad. My conviction that Mom didn’t pass gas was so strong that she could have shoved her flapping butt cheeks in my face, my hair tousling as if blown by an ass-powered hair dryer, and I still would have concluded that Dad had somehow perfected the art of ventriloquism farting.

Vaginas are Located in the Lower Abdomen

Since an erect penis of a standing man typically extends parallel to the floor, I just assumed that a woman’s vagina was located maybe an inch or two below her belly button. That way, the naked man would only have to step forward to insert his penis into the vagina of a naked woman, like connecting Lego’s. It made perfect sense to me. This one stuck with me until high school, and boy, was I embarrassed when I learned the truth.

I Could be Dead and Not Know It

Television taught me a lot growing up. For example, a car can jump a collapsed wooden bridge if you “yeehaw” loud enough, morphine makes you puke milk, you can bounce in and out of multiple comas without acquiring a debilitating brain disorder, and if you want to know if someone is dead or alive, place your ear to their chest and listen for a heartbeat.  The latter is why I had Mom listen for my heartbeat when I returned home from playing with the neighborhood kids.  Once she confirmed my pulse, I would sigh with relief and say, “Good.  I’m still alive.”

These are just a few, but enough of my stupidity.  What about you? What did you believe as a child (not because you were told this but because you deduced it on your own)? If you have children (I’m sorry), do they have any strange theories of how life works or used to work?

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    […] declared myself to have been a stupid child in a previous post (if you don’t remember it, click here). Since the seal of the envelope that bears my idiocy has been broken, it is not difficult for me […]