Dear socially conservative mothers,
If you are reading this then I want to congratulate you for taking the next step toward being a parent. Because of certain social conflicts, it has suddenly come to your attention that child-rearing requires more than feedings, punishments, and money. Children need development, they need guidance, and by God, they need shelter from gay people until you, the parent, have figured out how to explain our existence. How can you expect the television to babysit your kid nowadays if the evil media keeps airing homosexuals in lip lock? What are you supposed to do when your innocent child is exposed to two men holding hands? How are you going to explain men marrying each other? Since your day is exhausted from fighting the entire world so as to protect your delicate, innocent child, I am here to help.
I am not a parent (as a matter of fact, I would make a terrible parent because of my general repulsion of children), but I am a gay. This alone authorizes me to provide advice on how to address “you people” to your kid. If you do not agree, may I remind you of the countless media clips of angry mothers yelling, “How am I supposed to explain this to my kids?!” So don’t be so offended when I say that most of you seem kind of clueless. But it’s okay. I’m not here to judge you on anything more than your appearance.
First of all, if you have the slightest amount of tact, the best response is no response. A reaction is what your child will question, and knowing you, you’ll fuck it up by responding with wildly inaccurate and graphic information on what you believe two men do in the bedroom (or sometimes the bathroom, or maybe outside from time to time because I feel adventurous but only once in a hot tub because that was very uncomfortable). Kids don’t care about sex or affection, so why traumatize them by bring it to their attention? If you know your children get bent out of shape over “cooties,” how do you think they’ll respond when you make up stories about what us gays put in our asshole? Displaying disgust towards gay men only accomplishes one of two things. It will either increase the likelihood of your impressionable child one day being prosecuted for a hate crime, or it will result in your closeted gay son growing up to hate himself.
But why pretend to accept the homosexual lifestyle? You believe it is wrong, and you want your spawn to believe it is wrong, too, so that they can carry the legacy of your bigotry to the next generation. This is your right, but if you cared about your child’s future, you will teach them how to respect others that are different from them. In case you haven’t noticed, we gays are everywhere, and most of us are pretty annoyed with having your point of view intruding into our peaceful lives. If you want your child to succeed, it is good to remember that people of the future do not move up the corporate ladder by addressing their gay boss as “faggot” or win over clients who just so happen to be gay by threatening violence unless they renounce their sin.
So here it is. The secret to effectively talking to your child about gays: love.
It’s that simple. If you have already talked to your children about love (however, from what I’ve seen, it wouldn’t surprise me if many of you still have this on your “To Do” list under “don’t vaccinate” and “find all-white daycare”), all you have to say is, “They’re in love.” If your kid asks, “How can two men be in love,” then someone already tainted them with a negative perception of gay men. Since you can’t dispose of your mentally broken child, you’ll have to be a parent and let them know that whoever told them that two men can’t be in love is wrong. That’s it. You’re the parent; your child should listen to you. It isn’t hard to talk to your kids about love, is it?
It should go without saying that raising a loving child will make your life as a parent much easier than raising a hateful heathen. So be careful what you say around them and think about your child’s future because we’re here, we’re pretty queer, so you may as well get used to it because we’re everywhere and not going anywhere.