The Children’s Bible of Lust

June 23, 2014

Dear Mom,

You once told me that when I was about three or four years old, I would sometimes pull the Illustrated Children’s Bible from the book shelf, sit on the floor, and flip through the pages, seemingly studying the pictures. You also said that one time, when I finished browsing, I shut the book and proclaimed, “Welp. That’s all the naked ones,” before returning the book to its place on the lower shelf.

I remember this book. I also remember its illustrations. How can a prissy, gay boy not be drawn to images like:

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Hot, Christian male action. Rawr.



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Sexy Christian brute strength. Swoon.



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Beefy, tanned Christian male physique. Take me now, holy one.


And don’t even get me started on the Adam and Eve chapter. Lord have mercy. Adam looked so perfect, I didn’t realize Eve was in the pictures until years later. It was this book that led me to believe that every man living in the biblical era was a well-sculpted mass of sexy man meat, and I wanted to time travel to back then so bad. Who knew the Bible had the potential of being so homoerotic? If I didn’t know any better, I would fret that this book was responsible for my raging case of the gay.

Anyway, I was writing to see if you still have this book lying around the house somewhere. I, uh, am interested in…catching up on the word of the Lord. Yeah. That’s it. I’m not interesting in looking at the pictures anymore. This has nothing to do with running out of internet porn.