Before You Adopt/Rescue a Heathen

July 2, 2014

Dear Journal,

I write these “random reasons” not to discourage cat adoption but to remind people that when they do make an informed decision to adopt, they don’t sign the adoption papers with the expectation of owning the next big internet sensation. There are approximately 70,000,000 cats in the US alone, and about .0000043% of them have an active Facebook fan page with more than 250 followers [citation needed]. This means chances are pretty high that your cat (or any future cat) is just as stupid as the rest of ours.

With that said, I present another random reason not to own a cat, number 104:

Never leave food unattended…ever.

Damn it, Blind Murphy!

That tongue he’s using to lap up my milk? That same tongue is used to clean his asshole, you know.

With a cat in the house, gone are the days when you can leave a $7/lb antibiotic-free, boneless chicken breast unattended on the counter for 2 fucking minutes so you can take laundry out of the dryer. Never again will you be able to leave an open jar of peanut butter sitting on the coffee table for 30 seconds so you can take a quick pee break before Bob’s Burgers starts

As a cat owner, you become conditioned to modify your usual habits because God knows you don’t want to eat from a jar of peanut butter after a cat has stirred its curious paw in it (the same paw it recently used to cover its shit, by the way). You end up hiding plates of food in cabinets or balancing them on top of the shade of a nearby floor lamp. In the event your tricky, thieving heathens escape the bedroom in which they are imprisoned during a dinner party, you tape warning signs on the walls of every room to provide tips and guidelines to your guests on how to guard their hors d’oeuvres

This practice isn’t temporary, either. You can spray your cat until the well runs dry, but their desire for human food is apparently greater than receiving punishment.

So unless you have one of those rare well-mannered cats (an oxymoron, I know), understand that this is a lifestyle change that happens for the rest of your heathen’s existence.