A Cat Owner’s Last Will and Testament

July 14, 2014

Having special-needs cats, I am sometimes unexpectedly annoyed by mental questions regarding their care if I and Partner should unexpectedly pass. These are not things you want to think about while masturbating, so in order to regain control of my fantasy three-way with Cheyenne Jackson and Chris Hemsworth, I am writing it here so I may dispense my crotch lotion in peace.

I, Cary, being of semi-sound mind and unfortunate, average body, currently residing in a condemnable home in Memphis because he has given up cleaning after five cats, do hereby make, publish, and declare this to be my Last Will and Testament.

First, in the event of my untimely death, I hereby request an autopsy to determine my cause of death. If it is discovered that my passing was the direct result of a cat’s action (such as bashing my skull on the corner of the sofa table from slipping on cat vomit or hairball; bashing my skull on the floor from tripping over a cat that was meandering between my legs; or having my skull bashed in by angry cat), I demand they be tried as human adult for their crime. If forensic lab determines murder is caused by handicat, please exempt them from prosecution as they know not what they do.

Second, I hereby bequeath the following to the innocent:

1. To Elvis Cat: You were Partner’s favorite, but for some reason you preferred my company. Unfortunately, my desire to share companionship was not mutual. You chattered constantly, you irritated me for attention, and you shed everywhere like a wandering trichotillomaniac. I hereby leave you in the care of my friend, Carol. She loves to talk and is a much better conversationalist than I. For her troubles, I include a gift certificate to Fantastic Sam’s so that she have your long hair waxed off, you hippie.

2. To Mr. Tiddles: You were the first of the herd and the reason why I started my journal. You have matted my clothes with your hair and awakened me at many an unreasonable hour to be fed (really, who strums blinds to wake someone?!). Now that I have passed, I am grateful to finally rest in peace. You, however, shall not be so lucky. To symbolize the anxiety you created as a result of your many antics (and because I have never seen you run as fast as when a vacuum cleaner is turned on – electrically, not sexually), I hereby request you be tethered to a running vacuum cleaner until you have successfully lost 5 pounds. Once weight loss goal has been reached, I hereby leave you in the care of my friend, Melissa. You were always her favorite for some reason (I never understood why as you have the blandest of personalities).

3. To Reese: Because of your coquettish behavior, I always called you The Whore. So that you may continue your decadent lifestyle or sexual debauchery, I am leaving you in the care of my man-whore friend, Nic. For his troubles, I am leaving him a gift certificate from Saint Francis Hospital so that you may undergo a much needed anal reconstruction surgery. Your hole apparently been stretched so wide by your perverted customers that you leave quite a mess tangled in your hind quarter fur when you poop, and I don’t want to burden Nic with cleaning up after you.   

4. To Zoe: You are my angel. Unfortunately, you are nobody else’s angel. You are often temperamental and lash out at your siblings for no reason. I know it is tough being different (deaf, shaky, and allergic to everything), but despite your handicaps,  you will be living at a Sally Jessy Raphael boot camp for the period of one week (or until you learn manners and social skills – whichever comes first). It’s tough love, but I’ve seen her show and they seem very helpful. Thank you for being the best lap kitty a guy could ask for. 

5. To Blind Murphy: You are also my angel. Even though you experience daily trials because of your handicap, you never, ever seem to let it get you down. So many people can learn from your tenacity. You are deeply loved, and because of this, I am leaving you the house (as I do not want you to have to learn how to navigate a new floor plan). You will also have a trust fund. This money will pay for a full-time staff that will feed you, groom you, play with you, and clean up after you. If Zoe successfully completes her Sally Jessy Raphael boot camp, she will also move in as handicats need to stick together.