Random Reason #34

July 16, 2014

If you have a cat, regularly exercising your heathen is a required task. This not only helps repress sudden bursts of 3 am energy but also prevents it from growing into a furtato (pictured below). But this journal entry isn’t about having to entertain your degenerate beast.

When the internet presented this to me, I laughed for days.

When the internet presented this to me, I laughed for days.


As many cat owners already know, felines are easy to please when it comes to toys. From my experience, these idiots will play with just about anything that dangles, wiggles, jingles, or rolls. Seriously, I waved a plain, white envelope in Mr. Tiddles’ face one time, and he went bat shit crazy with fun. But since I don’t want my already-condemnable-looking home to be confused with a landfill, I  buy my (outlandishly overpriced) cat toys. Sure, they may be constructed by little, over-worked Chinese babies, but at least they don’t make it look like I was too lazy to throw away that tamper-evident seal from my milk jug.

And on sale this week only for $11.99.

And on sale this week only for $11.99.


But here’s the problem (and random reason number 34 as to why you should not own a cat): cats don’t know how to put away their toys when they are done with them.

Even after resentfully putting away the cats’ toys at the end of the/every day, it is only a matter of hours before their toy box looks like it was the target of terrorist activity because the toy your blind cat wants to play with is ALWAYS at the bottom of the pile.

7-14-2014 1-51-11 PM

Photographic example of cat bomb aftermath.


Additionally, an easily startled cat owner may find toys stranded in the most inappropriate of locations. Below, we see the cardiac arrest-inducing placement of Elvis Cat’s favorite toy, a plastic spider. The verdict is still out as to whether he deliberately left this by the commode.

7-14-2014 1-50-43 PM

“JESUS CHRIST, A SPID….damn it, I just messed myself.”


So if you are obsessive about maintaining a well-organized home, yet still feel incomplete, believing that pet companionship is the only way to fill your emotional void, I recommend getting a guinea pig.

And PS – Some cats are really possessive of their stuff, as the picture of Blind Murphy below indicates.

"All of the toys are belong to me."

“All of the toys are belong to me.”