Richard Will Make You Slap Somebody

July 21, 2014

My GTL (gorgeous, talented, loving) friend Claire has done it again. She has introduced me to another video I can’t stop watching. She started with this one, followed it up with this one, and now the one I want to share with you today. This one was shared with Claire by our friend Alexis Grace  (you can buy her songs on iTunes – and may I HIGHLY recommend her collaboration with Swedish Gun Factor’s But I Hear a Breeze).

We’ve all been asked, “If you could have dinner with anyone (past or present), who would it be?”  Common answers include a dead relative, Einstein, or the baby Jesus. My answer would be Alexyss Tylor. Who is Alexyss Tylor, and why would I choose her? Just check out the video below (warning: very colorful language):

The penis is a very powerful organ. It is a very…umm…deep spiritual, sexual…heat sinking missile. It’s just like a rocket, see? And inside of every rocket there is information encoded in it for it to do what it do…Dick will make you lose control. Dick will make you pull a gun and shoot somebody in the damn face. – Alexyss Tylor

I imagine dinner with Alexyss Tylor would be an entertaining and enlightening occasion. I am fascinated by her perspective and want to pick her brain in an attempt to break down the structure and train of logic. Though she expresses it through (what some would call) vulgar candor, her view of the world is so unique and interesting to me. For example, do you know her thoughts on:

The value of a Krystal burger: “…and after these boys all running up off in their mouth and bending them over and dominating them and bustin’ they asshole out, then they feel satisfied, they feel rejuvenated, they’ve gotten this pressure off, they feel this ejaculation is gratification because they comin’ like this and they leave them black boys right over there where they found them, give them, what, three or four dollars or a damn Krystal snack or somethin’ and go on…”

Eating in public: “That’s why it’s so important for women to not let their little girls eat popsicles and candy and stuff outside because you have to, to eat it, you have to suck on it, as it melts you have to pull it in and out, and you don’t know who’s watching your little girl eat the candy. Eating a popsicle a certain way. Eating a candy bar a certain way. You got a lot of sick freaks out here that get off on watching little girls jump rope , run up and down the street, and eat they candy.”

Gym etiquette: “I really don’t like to work out in no damn pubic gym no more. You see, when I go, I take my damn bottle of Clorox and my water, and I spray around that seat, and around that handle, and around the head part. You got to put around there especially on that seat because a lot of them men that go to them damn gym be sittin’ on them seat and have all kind of damn shit juice and damn cum runnin’ out they crack that get around that seat and that bacteria will get up in your ass and your pussy and give you all kind of damn yeasts and infection and all kind of damn venereal diseases and thing.”

I can really use her guidance and have so many questions, like:

  • At what age does dick compel one to assault another?
  • Do you think lesbians are immune to the power of the penis? If so, why?
  • If dick will make you slap somebody, why don’t we hear about more gay on gay crime?
  • I have consumed popsicles and candy bars in public many times and have not been molested once. What am I doing wrong?
  • Is pussy juice just as dangerous on a gym seat as shit juice?
  • Does sending a dick pic have the same effect as being in the presence of one? Will dick pics make somebody slap someone, too? I’m asking for a friend.
  • Is a man to blame for the power of his penis, or does penis have a mind of its own?

If she accepts my dinner invitation, I will be sure to Clorox the dining room chairs for her.