Dear Anonymous,

August 5, 2014

On Wednesday of last week, I approved an interesting comment to my post, How to Deter Butt Scooting (you can click here to read the article for context). Jealous of other writers capable of garnering the attention of a passionate, albeit verbally abusive audience (as my typical readers are seemingly as demented as I, and therefore, enable my socially unacceptable behavior), I can finally and proudly lay claim to my own outraged commenter:

Crazy Person

Beyond his/her senseless devotion to the upper case,  Anonymous apparently believes that I am a threat to cuddly creatures worldwide. This is flattering, so before I reply to this passionate missive, I want to first take a moment to pass on my sincere thanks to this irate reader for assuming that I bear any sort of social influence. Comments like yours keep me motivated to continue to do what I do.  I love hearing from my embarrassingly small pool of readers even if they share something as inconsequential and irrelevant as their grandmother smelling like a Libby’s Cafeteria or their disdain of public ball-fondling. Everybody has an interesting story, and writing an article that encourages others to share their slices of life validates me as a writer.

Okay, now that’s out of the way:

1. I KNOW THIS MUST BE A FUNNY STORY TO YOU AND YOUR READERS: Actually, no. I don’t think this is a funny story. I think it’s brilliant. “Funny” is just a secondary benefit for being a fucking genius. Smart readers can not only appreciate the subtle layers of my writing, they can also ascertain the difference between fantasy and reality.

2. DID’NT [sic] YOU THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN OR THE MENTALLY ILL AND DEGENERATE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT WOULD ACTUALLY TRY THIS ON A CAT?: Are you referring to the same “CHILDREN OR THE MENTALLY ILL AND DEGENERATE PEOPLE” responsible for companies brandishing their products with absurd labels such as “Do not iron while wearing shirt,” “Do not use while sleeping,” or “Warning: razor blades are sharp” to prevent them from having to settle lawsuits with imbeciles? Are these the same “CHILDREN OR THE MENTALLY ILL AND DEGENERATE PEOPLE” who ignore the “Do Not Try This At Home” warning on television, and after viewing a person staple their scrotum to their thigh, think to themselves, ‘I can do that. What could possibly go wrong?’ You do realize that  these are the same “CHILDREN OR THE MENTALLY ILL AND DEGENERATE PEOPLE” that are making us collectively look like morons, the idiots that are responsible for evolving our philosophy of life from “survival of the fittest” to “precaution for the dumbest,” right? Instead of wasting time criticizing creative geniuses, maybe you should use that time teaching your  “CHILDREN OR THE MENTALLY ILL AND DEGENERATE PEOPLE” not to be such idiots.

3. YOUR DIAGRAM AND INSTRUCTIONS LOOK LIKE IT IS EASY TO DO: I’m considering adding this sentence to the post that enraged you because, out of context, this looks like a positive product endorsement. So, thank you for that.

4. SOME PEOPLE MAY NOT BE ABLE TO TELL IF THIS IS JUST A FUNNY STORY OR A CRUEL AND SADISTIC BLUEPRINT TO TORTURE AN ANIMAL: See response to number 2, and then see the response to number 3, and then learn how anything can be misconstrued when taken out of context (e.g. one post taken out of context of an entire blog).

5. PLEASE REMEMBER NEXT TIME THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE SHOULD READ THIS: Now you are confusing me. First you castigate me for my God-given talent but finish with one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about my blog. You have a very unique method for sharing compliments.

6. I APPRECIATE THE CHANCE TO RESPOND: And I appreciate you taking the time to read as well as giving me something to write about. My comment section proclaims “If you got something to say? Say it.” I will always stand by this as I am a huge advocate for freedom of speech, just keep these two rules in mind:

  1. Be honest (don’t try to bullshit a bullshitter)
  2. Don’t be a pussy about it (names and emails are now required…though, you DO realize I can trace your IP address if I cared, right?)

by Cary Vaughn (2014)