According to Partner’s Facebook feed last week, Friday, August 8 was World Cat Day. Unaware of this “holiday,” I was unsure of how to celebrate so I had to improvise. I assume that since it’s a day for cats, you either buy your heathens gifts (didn’t happen), adopt a heathen of your own (not going to happen), or refrain from eating Chinese food (wished it happened). As much as I wanted to ignore World Cat Day, I couldn’t as I count on those vagabonds to flood me with lavish presents on my birthday (and they are unlikely to forget that I didn’t get THEM anything).
I launched the celebration by leaping into kitchen as they quietly ate breakfast and shouted, “Happy World Cat Day!” I assumed they would have responded with jumping about and cheering as if Santa had entered, but the ungrateful runts scattered as if they heard gunfire.
While the heathens cowered and hid after my attempt to rev up the fun, I took the opportunity to lace their litter boxes with Pop Rocks. Won’t they be surprised when they hear the festive sizzle and crackle as their urine activates the candy particles. I have to admit that I became a little jealous while stirring in the Pop Rocks as I, too, would sometimes wonder what it’s like to feel a tingling tickle against my backside as I use the bathroom, but alas, that is one dream that will never come true.
Before lunch, I wrangled the reprobates into the living room where we all lounged in our respective territories and huffed cat nip as I read poetry and haikus. One of my favorites was:
You never let me sleep.
Your hair clings to my clothes.
Your vomit piles are deep.
Your poo offends my nose.
That is all.
For lunch, I borrowed the Mardi Gras tradition of hiding a baby Jesus in a king cake. For World Cat Day, though, whoever found the baby Jesus in their wet food got a prize. Unfortunately, the prize turned out to be an obstructed trachea. I always told Mr. Tiddles not to eat so fast. Thankfully, Zoe thought she knew CPR.
The cat choking emergency seemed to put a damper on the festivities, so I cancelled the rest of my World Cat Day plans and decided that we should all just sit on our asses in front of the TV watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 and get drunk. Although we missed out on playing a modified version of Dizzy Bat where I would spin the heathens 30 times before releasing them into traffic, we did have a good time sharing a bottle of Grey Goose and bonding over the antics of Mike and the ‘bots.
So I guess, in the end, World Cat Day turned out to be okay. I didn’t realize that the heathens already appreciated their gift of a forever home. They know I wouldn’t give any one of them up for any reason, and this is why they never ask for anything more than food, water, love, a bit of exercise every now and then, and the occasional cat nip party. So happy World Cat Day, my precious and wicked little herd. I look forward to sharing many more World Cat Days with all five of you, and I promise that next year, I’ll forgo the activities and jump straight to the vodka.
[Partner said I should add a disclaimer in case you are tempted to contact animal welfare services: this did not happen…or did it?]
So how did you celebrate World Cat Day? I may be able to use some of your ideas for World Cat Day 2015.
by Cary Vaughn (2014)