Disciplining a Child vs. Disciplining a Cat

August 27, 2014

A popular gauge of parenting skills for some baby-hungry couples is the adoption of a pet. Somehow these types of couples deduce successfully not killing their adopted animal with potential success as a parent. However, raising a pet (more specifically, a cat) is not the same as raising a child.

I am not a child expert, but I used to be a child, and that experience taught me that one of many elements of raising a child (whether you like it or not) is discipline. The purpose of discipline is to teach the recipient of the punishment that there are consequences for disagreeable behavior. The perfect outcome of corrective action is the conditioning of the penalized into your ideal spawn. However, a major component of punishment is communication.

Now, let’s apply this logic to disciplining a cat. Below are examples of popular methods of discipline and how they work on a cat.


If you’ve never raised your voice to your child, I would like to know what medication you take because yelling at your child is a right-of-passage in the parent/child relationship.

However, unless you are mentally unstable (e.g. hallucinate, wear a tinfoil hat, and/or claim to speak directly to Jesus), you know that your cats neither understands nor care for a word you say. It is highly unlikely your four-legged heathen comprehends, “Stop throwing litter out of the litter box! I swear to God you do this on purpose to piss me off! You make me wish I had a dog!” Do yourself a favor and save your voice for yelling at stupid drivers or the television.

yell Ground from TV/Phone/Etc.

A popular form of punishment for older children is to ground them from a favored object such as a car, phone, television, or video game console.

Cats, on the other hand, have a unique gift in finding pleasure from the shit they scrounge out of the trashcan, so it is highly unlikely that grounding them from their laser light pointer or cat nip toy will have any effect.

There is no picture because images of cats in trashcans are disgusting and makes me tic.


If I had a corn dog for every time I got a headache from attempting to mentally will a parent into smacking their unruly child, I would bless Africa with their own obesity epidemic. Before you write angry emails about the horrors of corporal punishment, let me save you some time by saying, “I don’t care what you think.”

But why spank a cat? There is absolutely no reason to hit a cat. None. In case you don’t know this already, when confronted with an aggressor, the natural response for a cat is often “ATTACK!” and/or “KILL!” Striking a cat unlocks a psychotic episode from within your heathen comparable to something you’ve only ever experienced while watching a horror movie. So remember:

spank 4

The Get Along Shirt

It’s fucking hilarious when a parent stuffs their runts into a Get Along shirt. However, the results of cramming two temperamental cats into one is as follows:


So as you can see, cat behavior modification must be done only after research has been conducted.  Some resources with which you can start include:

If you are experiencing behavioral issues with your cat, it is highly advisable to discover the whys behind their heathen behavior instead of lashing out. Speaking to a cat specialist, your vet, or even reading a book about cat behavior provides valuable information on how you can make the proper adjustments to your home and lifestyle that will allow heathen and human to cohabit in semi-peace.


by Cary Vaughn (2014)