A Heathen Infestation

September 2, 2014

Dear Journal,

As a responsible homeowner, you are burdened with protecting your residence from a pest invasion. Rats, termites, and roaches are common examples of pests that not only decrease the value of your investment but also cause serious health issues. However, the most nefarious invasion a homeowner should fear is a cat infestation.

Cat infestations are common, yet the stigma that follows the onset of a cat problem leaves few homeowners courageous enough to share their struggles with this issue; however, as a person with very little shame or dignity, I am obliged to share with you the common signs of a cat problem as well as preventative measures you can take to prevent your cat infestation from getting out of hand.


Did you know that once a cat infestation begins, it can take many years of treatment before your home is free of felines? Don’t wait until it is too late. Prevention is essential in saving hundreds or thousands of dollars in home repairs.  Below are common warning signs that indicate you have a cat problem:

  1. Fur Bundles – When out of human sight, cats engage in a strange social activity known as a Hair Pulling Party. A Hair Pulling Party (or, more technically, HPP) consists of multiple cats gathering after the homeowner has spent hours and hours thoroughly cleaning his or her home. Once together, these cats commence yanking out chunks of each others hair and gleefully tossing it about like confetti, desecrating the sanitary home in which they invade. If you spot blankets of cat fur on furniture and cat fur tumbleweeds gliding across your floor, you have a cat problem.
  2. The Smell Test – Stand in your living room and take a deep sniff. Does your home smell like a fart? Was your nose violated by the sickly sweet aroma of animal? Did you just choke on a wad of cat fur wafting through the air? If you answered “yes” to at least one of these questions, you have a cat problem.
  3. Check Your Furniture – The harshest reality of cats is the severe lack of respect these critters have for your property. Because of their claws, these creatures cause destruction to upholstered surfaces merely for their amusement. Did you know that left unattended, your beautiful sofa can turn from ‘showroom ready’ to ‘landfill waste’ in a matter of days? Did you know that when unsupervised, cats glide down curtains like pirates in a swashbuckling movie? Damaged furniture is a sure sign of a cat problem.
  4. Check Your Funds – Review all recent transactions in your bank account. Victims of a cat problem often notice a shocking amount of funds have mysteriously disappeared into the pockets of veterinarians and pet supply stores.


If you fear you have a cat problem, don’t worry. You can catch them and release them back into the wild. Occasionally, you can lure a cat with a repeated, “pssssst pssssst pssssst” or a high-pitched, “here kitty, kitty.” When in close proximity, simply pluck the cat up and release it back into the wild. However, most cats have been genetically engineered with superiority complex mutation that makes them immune to attention and highly stubborn. Because of this, there are other options available for treating your infestation.

  1. Trapping – I’ve learned that one of the most humane and effective methods of capturing a cat is to place several open laptops around your home. Once powered on, any feline skulking about your home will be attracted to the heat that emits from the laptop. After a cat is successfully captured on the computer, simply lift the pest from the computer’s surface and release it in your back yard. The beauty of snaring cats with a laptop is that it can be used over and over again and there is no messy cleanup.
  2. Inebriation – This option is available for those that share a home with another person that is responsible for your current cat infestation, a person that lives with someone who will be severely pissed off and make you sleep on the couch for months if you trap and release cats back into the wild. If this describes you, inebriation may be your only other option. To acquire inebriation, you must travel to the nearest bar or liquor store and consume the most potent elixir until apathy sets in. For best results, repeat every 24 hours.

The sad reality of a cat problem is that victims often must treat the issue on their own as I have yet to locate a licensed pest control company that provides services for a domesticated cat infestation. I hope this article provides some relief as I know that living with a cat problem can be frustrating.