HandiCats For Hire

October 9, 2014

Due to popular demand from readers of my Burnie the Lavender T-Rex post, I have decided to create a business plan for a company that provides entertainment services for children’s birthday parties. This currently un-named company will provide parents a catalog of special-needs cat characters from which to choose to appear at their child’s birthday party. For a currently un-determined number of dollars per hour, the children will not only enjoy the antics of a person dressed as a handicat but will also become aware of special needs cat care.

I am still tossing around ideas, but a few of the special needs characters include:

Dumpers: Currently serving his 7th year at a no-kill shelter, Dumpers is a goofy cat with an incontinent problem. But that doesn’t get Dumpers down. Even as he uncontrollably discharges, he sings and dances and plays games with the kids. Worried about the smell? There’s no need. Dumpers’ “poop” is nothing but delicious fudge brownies that the kids will love. Brownies come with or without nuts (for kids with allergies).

Mr. Pozzy: Mr. Pozzy may look like a normal cat to you and me, but Mr. Pozzy lives with the feline immunodeficiency virus (FIV). Clap along as Mr. Pozzy sings an upbeat song about how he contracted the incurable virus after being bitten during a bar fight. But as his name indicates, nothing gets Mr. Pozzy down. Even though he was dealt a death sentence, Mr. Pozzy lives a positive life.

Whopperflump: Want to teach your children that life isn’t fair? Whopperflump is the perfect cat character for their party. Let Whopperflump stagger and wobble through the party like your drunk cousin sharing his sob story of how he was born with a severe case of cerebellar hypoplasia. He’ll never be like a normal cat. Whopperflump isn’t a complete downer, though. Because of his condition, kids are sure to win all party games they play against this disabled cat, thereby raising your child’s self esteem.

Parapolly: Just because Parapolly lost the ability to use both of her hind legs doesn’t mean she can’t have fun. Even though the shelter where she resides will be putting her down two days after your child’s party, Parapolly is determined to spend her last days alive with laughter and playing as she drags herself along the back yard singing her favorite songs such as, “I’m Dead Unless You Adopt Me” and “Nostalgia” (which may sound very similar to but is in fact not Memories from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s broadway musical Cats).

Rabieruzzle: He may be a little ill-tempered, but Rabieruzzle can teach your child that not everyone thinks he’s a special little snowflake. Aggressive kids will love spending the afternoon wrestling this bellicose feline. And at the end of the party, your kids get to put her down.

This currently un-named company will cater to adult themed parties as well. If you have a risqué event such as a bachelor party or swingers ball, you may enjoy:

Splotch: The cat in constant heat. Need I say more? 

Slurp: With an untreated case of feline urethral obstruction, Slurp will amaze and arouse your party guests by licking his own privates for hours.

Potential investors are free to contact me via email (first come first serve).


by Cary Vaughn (2014)