Cat Litter. We can’t live with it, and we can’t live without it. Well, you can live without it if you don’t have a cat, but then there’s the rest of us suckers who have at least five.
Since there’s not enough Xanax in America to help cope with the stress caused by cats tracking litter throughout your spotless, sanitized house (and desperation is the step-mother of invention), I have created a device that will eliminate this issue and, thereby, finally encourage your sobriety.
Allow me to introduce The Heathen Paw Cleaner 3000 (patent pending).
NOTE: Before you get too overwhelmed with excitement, please note that this device does not prevent litter slinging or sanitize the back paws. These options are being saved for the more expensive 2.0 version that won’t be available until next Christmas.
Once your cat steps out of the litter box, the scale will signal the CPU to activate the laser pointer, wiggling an enticing laser dot over the alcohol-sponge soaked.
WARNING: Using this device for a blind cat will cause permanent entrapment as sightless feline will not see red laser dot that triggers the cage’s release.
Please refrain from flooding me with emails pleading for a The Heathen Paw Cleaner 3000. I currently do not have prices available as I am still constructing the prototype. I will post them for sale after I have successfully constructed a functional model. Until then, keep taking your Xanax.
I’m going to make so much of the money.
by Cary Vaughn (2014)