We all know M.G. “Pat” Robertson as the prophetic receiver of God’s word. By gossiping with our Holy Maker, Robertson has learned more about the current and future state of our society than simpletons like us who are limited to biased news programs and Facebook links for information.
Fortunately for us, Robertson often appears on his syndicated television program, The 700 Club, to share excerpts of his divine gab sessions. Comprising mostly of generous donors, the television program’s scattered, remote assembly praises each sensationalized word that spills forth from Robertson’s sacred orifice, but when he begins a sentence with a variant of “If I heard the Lord right,” or “When the Lord told me,” his viewers anticipatorily freeze so as to administer all of their focus on the words that will follow.
Through Robertson’s “word of knowledge,” devotees learned that the world ended in 1982, that American coasts were destroyed by tsunamis in 2006, and of God’s suggestion for Robertson to run for President of the United States in 1988. A transcription of the latter being:
God: You should totally run for President.
Pat: Bag your face. Are you for serious?
God: I’m totally for serious. You would, like, be, like, so boss at running the country. I would totally vote for you if I could.
Though his viewpoints may be unpopular with the secular population, it is assumed that his rationale behind his many conservative stances is to protect the world from his Good Friend’s unbridled temper tantrums. With his direct connection to the omnipotent creator of our 6,000-year-old universe, Robertson prides himself on being one of the greatest threats to a promiscuous woman’s right to an abortion, a violent terrorist’s plans to attack America, and the hedonistic LGBT community’s claim to equal rights. As for the latter, Robertson gained victory against the homosexual community on a recent episode of The 700 Club that completely halted the progress of the gay agenda.
On July 29, 2014, Pat Robertson stated on air, “The name of this stuff is sodomy…And so what our –uh – civil rights commissions and others are saying is, ‘We want to endanger our society and set it up for the judgment of God, and if you Christians don’t like it, then get out because…’ well, I don’t know…We don’t really want to leave because we like it, and that gentleman out in Colorado likes his business (he’s been in business for a long time), and what the gays are saying is ‘We’re going to drive you out of town. Either you conform to us or you must leave…You’re either going to have sex with angels or have open sex with anybody or else you leave.’” Amen.
Earlier in October, Pat cracked the code on how AIDS really by warning the people fortunate enough to be watching his show, “”You have to be careful about AIDS. The towels could have AIDS.” Amen.
On October 23, 2014, the all-knowing Robertson shared with his audience, “There’s no Christian group I know of anywhere in the world that would force somebody to do something contrary to their deep-held religious beliefs or else face criminal penalties, but that’s what the homosexuals are trying to do here in America and I think it’s time pastors stand up and fight this monstrous thing.” Amen.
Robertson’s shocking statements has leaders of the gay community absolutely stunned. When contacted via email for comment, the president of the gay community (who agreed to be interviewed under the condition that he be referred to as Wristflapper Sissypants to protect his identity) stated, “The only explanation for how Mr. Robertson became aware of our diabolical plan (also known as The Gay Agenda) is if someone within our association provided a copy of our agenda to him. I mean, it was as if he was reading directly from article 17. Now that our opponent knows our strategy and, worse, shared it with the rest of our antagonists, we are forced to terminate our current plan and start over. This is a major setback that has cost us years of progress.”
Proving that he is no stranger to standing up against “the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians,” Pat Robertson has devoted his life warning his followers of the dangers of homosexuality. In January, 1993, Robertson stated, “Many of those people involved in Adolph Hitler were Satanists. Many of them were homosexuals. The two things seem to go together.” By sharing secrets of the gay agenda on air, Robertson has thwarted many attempts by homosexuals to dominate the world. In 1992, he warned the public of their plan to infiltrate schools so as to convert children into homosexuals. In 1994, the gay community coordinated and prepared a nation-wide church invasion until Pat Robertson warned the rest of the world on his television show.
Does this latest exposure by Pat Robertson mark the end of the gay crusade? Does the gay community have the resources to continue their quest for equality after losing another battle? When asked these questions, President Sissypants shared that even though he and his people are frustrated, saddened, and disappointed, they are not disheartened. “Despite causing the Northridge earthquake, hurricane Bonnie, 9/11, and many other natural and man-made disasters, we will continue to fight for the implementation of our agenda until we are allowed to have our way with an attractive stranger of the same gender when the mood hits us whether it’s in the privacy of our own home or in the produce sextion [sic] of our local grocery store.”
Being so intelligent and of sound mind, is it any surprise that Pat Robertson has such a large group of devoted followers?
by Cary Vaughn (2014)