Trick-or-Tramp

October 27, 2014 — 8 Comments

Dear Man Whores,

As Halloween approaches, my Facebook feed is becoming increasingly more not-safe-for-work because the parties have begun, and many of you are showing off your costumes (or lack thereof) with pictures that appear to have been captured from the set of your bizarre, gay porn.

Since when did Halloween become about showing off your abs, torso, and/or bulging man panties? Whatever happened to the true reason of the season: scaring the shit out of timid, little children? At what point in your life was your costume selection dedicated to the hopes that people will later masturbate to memories of you dressed as Mickey Mouse? And while we’re on the subject, since when did Mickey Mouse wear tiny, red Speedo trunks? You, sir, have ruined my childhood.

If you’re capable of shamelessly appearing in public as a mailman whose uniform substantially shrank in the wash, what’s stopping you from just covering your wang with a potato and calling yourself a dick-tator (thanks for that one, Mom)? What’s keeping you from popping your junk in a tube sock and calling yourself a Red Hot Chili Pepper? At what point do you say, “That’s too far”? Is it when you have to consult local decency laws prior to leaving the house/apartment?

I noticed this trend at its apex in 2007, when homosexuals single-handedly revitalized the obsolete leather underwear industry by dressing as extras from the movie 300. Suddenly, I always found myself feeling awkwardly overdressed and wondering if I had accidentally wandered into Eyes Wide Shut after arriving at a Halloween party, uncomfortable that these nearly naked men will unexpectedly start having sex with each other.

But do you guys not realize that skimpy Halloween costumes have jumped the shark? Nowadays, a costume that pushes the envelope of public nudity is a caricature of your desperate need for attention and admiration. Additionally, it’s ridiculous. Firemen are never shirtless when extinguishing infernos, sequin thongs were never a part of a Native American’s wardrobe, butlers do not wear spandex tights, hazmat suits are dangerously ineffective without sleeves, and real cowboys wear denim jeans beneath their “assless” chaps. Oh, and to those that prance around Halloween parties in nothing but underwear, you don’t look sexy; you look poor (and come across as tragically unimaginative). What would your grandmother think? How would you explain this costume to your little nephew?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not bitter or jealous, nor am I ashamed of my own body. I just prefer to celebrate the holiday respectably, not Trick ‘r Tramping. Besides, I have nothing to prove and am confident enough in myself that I don’t need to remove my clothes. The only time you will see me undressed in public is at a swimming pool, maybe on stage, or on my street if it’s late at night and my house is on fire.

I’m not saying “don’t be gay,” and I’m not telling you to be ashamed of your bodies. I’m simply asking why can’t we be gay with dignity. Let’s save the leather underwear for the bedroom role-playing fantasies and fetish videos.

 

by Cary Vaughn (2014)

8 responses to Trick-or-Tramp

  1. 

    “Whatever happened to the true reason of the season: scaring the shit out of timid, little children?”

    You just made me pee

    Liked by 1 person

    • 

      Right?! One year, I SWEAR I’m going to set up the front door with a camera that takes a picture immediately after I jump out and ruin their little costumes. That would make me so happy.

      Like

  2. 

    There’s dressing up, dressing down, and barely dressing at all. Luckily, Dallas, TX, has an app for that. Damned right, they sell hot dogs.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/23/tallywackers-dallas-hooters_n_7126080.html

    Like

  3. 

    While I agree for my personal taste that these costumes lack imagination, I feel that at the heart of the post there is a sentiment that approaches, “slut shaming”. Your post is expertly expressed and beautifully constructed. Your point of view is not very sex positive and the assertion that “dignity” is an objective term is rather limiting. Dignity is a matter of personal taste and not social norm that we feel we have to conform too.

    Also if I had to operate under the notion of, “what would my grandmother think?” I probably would have never kissed a boy.

    Further more your notion of these costumes as “ridiculous” is not very imaginative and certainly lacks a sense of humor for the farcical. For example if a gay man was dressed as a cow and had the name tag that said, “Dairy Queen” obviously it is ridiculous that a man can not be a cow and vice versa. It is also ridiculous to see a gay Cow? But the ridiculous nature is what makes it a comical costume choice.

    I rarely post comments on blogs and mostly do not critique so harshly, but I admire you and your work and felt compelled to share my thoughts. I do apologize if this comes across as trolling, if it does this was not my intention.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 

    Totally sharing. Trampy hetero girls have Trick or Tramping for decades. I did get a sizable shudder when I saw “Sexy Ebola Nurse” b/c as you say, with that much skin exposed, a healthcare worker would Shirly die violently spewing all bodily fluids. From Ebola, I mean.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    Reblogged this on Gay Darius and commented:
    True!

    Like

You got something to say? Say it.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s