Partner and I currently share our condemnable home with two long-haired cats. If you are having trouble with the math, that’s two too many.
“But Cary,” you may be thinking to yourself right now. “Long-haireds feel so soft, and are the most beautiful, and you’re way sexier than Stephen Amell.”
Okay, so some of you may not think they’re soft, but do you not realize the maintenance required for these woolly creatures? Sure, you may be familiar with their heavy-flow-tampon-sized hairballs or the thatch of Bob Marley hair that appears on their stomach, but there’s a more wretched nuisance that owners of long-haired cats keep hidden from public scrutiny: juicy diarrhea.
When either of our two long-hairs spew sewage from their posterior hole, they exit the litter box with a shit-Rorschach splattered on their backside.
Thankfully, my team of intelligent and creative engineers (I call them Mewngineers – trademark pending) have designed a device constructed from somewhat common household items that any owner of a hippie cat can make. All you need is the banana clip you always wore in your hair in the 80s (come on, admit it), a pair of leather pants you save for “special” occasions (come on, admit it), and minor sewing skills.
First, use the leather pants to construct a permanent harness that will be worn by Princess Dysentery. If you can’t bring yourself to putting scissors to leather, please understand that by disposing of your leather britches, you are performing a public service. The 90s are over. Unless you are, in fact, a cow, your legs should not be dressed in leather.
The finished product should have five straps: one that fits around the cat’s neck and four more to be tied to the antiquated banana clip you will place over your cat’s crap cave (see image below for a visual).
When your cat hunches its back to pop a batch of Satan’s chocolate out of its ass oven, the taut straps on the harness will spread the banana clip open, parting the hair around the cat’s anus. No more hair to which soupy poopy can cling.
Once Satan’s chocolate has been delivered, the cat will stand and the banana clip will close.
BONUS: The teeth of the banana clip will also deter butt scooting.
by Cary Vaughn (2014)