Do you remember the days when conspiracy theorists were nothing more than obnoxious, smelly bums on street corners that screamed their warning of doom into a river of uninterested pedestrians? The tone, pace, and volume of gibberish matched their desperation to be heard as his/her intended audience rushed by, deliberately avoiding eye contact so as not to engage or encourage the nonsense.
And then the internet happened.
Because of the impersonality this information superhighway provides, we now delight in the mentally uncalibrated’s bizarre accusations like exhibits at a deranged zoo trapped behind the bars of a computer monitor. And something magical happened. These whores for attention soon noticed that they no longer needed to scream to be heard by the masses, thus leveling off the desperation in their presentations. Therefore we have collectively created a more subtle yet wide-spread monster called the plausible insane.
Even though these jack offs have curbed their erratic temperament, their message remains just as ludicrous. Their viewpoints amused us so much that we shared their stories, and as these stories spread, they reached a broad audience that eventually collected into a gullible legion that turned into a unified front for the rights of stupidity. They created credibility by congregating in public forums such as a Values Voter Summit or a Southern Baptist Convention or a Fox News. They stepped out of the darkness, no longer crazy bums but influential leaders known as Michele Bachmann or Ted Cruz or Pat Robertson or Sarah Palin to name a few. Their outrageous personalities were mistaken for courage against the norm and therefore were granted governmental positions and/or reality television shows. And before you can say Church of Scientology, we were responsible for creating a voice so powerful that popular consensus sways common sense or studied facts. All because we idolize idiots.
With that being said, I proclaim to be no better than any other person sharing videos of morons via the internet. The future internet classic below teaches us how “Mahnster” Energy Drinks are in cahoots with Satan:
My desire to have attended this event is so strong, it hurts. Was this recorded at some kind of Asylum Patient Science Fair? If so, I’m more than a little hurt to not have been invited to judge the exhibits. Just from this presentation alone, this MILF would have earned at least second place. But as a judge, I would be responsible for grilling her with questions such as:
- Has anyone else told you that you remind them of Alice Nelson from The Brady Bunch?
- Why did you give away the money shot (the hidden 666 in the letter M) so quickly? If you want to dazzle your audience, you need to work them up first and tease them a little. It works for porn. Just sayin’.
- You first say ‘666’ is hidden in the M, and then you see a cross in the letter O and assume it’s a Christian company? That is a question, not a statement.
- Do you scrutinize all products this closely? If so, what are your findings on Twinkies, Tickle Me Elmo, and Summer’s Eve?
- If the company wanted to hide the Christian cross within a letter of its name, why didn’t they just use the letter T? Why do you suppose they “hid” it in the letter O?
- For how many days did you pray after discovering the meaning of MILF?
- Do you really want to know what I think when someone asks me to “unleash the beast”?
- You do realize that it’s not only the devil laughing at you, right?
- OMG! What are you selling for only 10.00?!?!?!?! Is it a Monster Energy Drink?
- Is there a hidden gay message behind your phrases “short top, long tail,” and “bottoms up.” Are you secretly pushing the gay agenda behind the guise of a neurotic Christian? I’m sure I could find more if I studied your presentation as much as you studied Monster Energy Drink.
- Do you stash your presentation props in a shed so as not to bring Satan into your house? Did you buy those props yourself? If so, with how much did you line Satan’s pockets?
- You’re closing with “Jesus said, ‘My people perish for lack of knowledge'” is so perfect that it makes me think you’re pulling my leg. Are you pulling my leg? You work for Monster Energy Drink, don’t you?
I really shouldn’t complain about our nature to laud fools. After all, if we didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this website right now, would you?
by Cary Vaughn (2014)