Ladies and gentlemen of the World Wide Jury, let me first say that you are looking very beautiful today. I am proud to be in the company of such a fine and intelligent group of adjudicators.
The trial in which you are about to see is the case of The People of the Condemnable Home versus Zoe. This case is not about regretting my decision to cohabit with five cats. It is about the right to not live in squalor while cohabitating with heathens.
Testimony and evidence in this case will detail how the accused has ransacked (on multiple occasions) the guest bedroom’s gift wrapping station. Indifferent to cleanliness, this heathen has pushed over rolls of wrapping paper and knocked boxes to the floor to pillage a single bow from a plastic container.
The stolen good is then used as a toy, a function for which it was not designed. And once this miscreant has fulfilled her own selfish pleasure batting it across the hardwood floor or pouncing upon it, she irresponsibly leaves it behind for an innocent, exhausted caregiver to tidy up.
Witnesses in this case will testify to her character, that of being a drunk and incapable of managing her temper, but it is the evidence that will seal her fate as a felonious criminal. During the trail, you will have an opportunity to review shocking photographic evidence captured (rather poorly, I may add) by Partner during one of her numerous crime sprees, yet she continues to belittle your sound judgement by denying any involvement.
After both sides plead their case, the decision will be in your hands. Will you find the defendant guilty or not guilty? After you have carefully scrutinized all records pertaining to this case, one fact will remain certain: if you vote guilty, that means you wish for a cure for cancer and love your mother; if you vote not guilty, that means you want to have un-lubed anal sex with Satan and wish death upon kids in wheelchairs.
by Cary Vaughn (2014)