The People vs. Zoe

December 8, 2014 — 18 Comments

Ladies and gentlemen of the World Wide Jury, let me first say that you are looking very beautiful today. I am proud to be in the company of such a fine and intelligent group of adjudicators.

The trial in which you are about to see is the case of The People of the Condemnable Home versus Zoe. This case is not about regretting my decision to cohabit with five cats. It is about the right to not live in squalor while cohabitating with heathens.

Zoe Mug Shot

Don’t let the picture fool you. This is not the face of innocence.


Testimony and evidence in this case will detail how the accused has ransacked (on multiple occasions) the guest bedroom’s gift wrapping station. Indifferent to cleanliness, this heathen has pushed over rolls of wrapping paper and knocked boxes to the floor to pillage a single bow from a plastic container.

12-8-2014 12-13-58 PM

Pictured: one of two victims of this crime.


The stolen good is then used as a toy, a function for which it was not designed. And once this miscreant has fulfilled her own selfish pleasure batting it across the hardwood floor or pouncing upon it, she irresponsibly leaves it behind for an innocent, exhausted caregiver to tidy up.


Exhibit A: The scene of the crime.


Witnesses in this case will testify to her character, that of being a drunk and incapable of managing her temper, but it is the evidence that will seal her fate as a felonious criminal. During the trail, you will have an opportunity to review shocking photographic evidence captured (rather poorly, I may add) by Partner during one of her numerous crime sprees, yet she continues to belittle your sound judgement by denying any involvement.

Exhibit A

Photo evidence #1 of 4

Exhibit A2

Photo evidence #2 of 4

Exhibit B

Photo evidence #3 of 4

Exhibit C

Photo evidence #4 of 4


After both sides plead their case, the decision will be in your hands. Will you find the defendant guilty or not guilty? After you have carefully scrutinized all records pertaining to this case, one fact will remain certain: if you vote guilty, that means you wish for a cure for cancer and love your mother; if you vote not guilty, that means you want to have un-lubed anal sex with Satan and wish death upon kids in wheelchairs.

Thank you.


by Cary Vaughn (2014)

18 responses to The People vs. Zoe


    Really Cary? Really? Do you have any idea the number of people who have been attacked by Christmas bows during the month of December? I believe she may have saved your life.

    Liked by 1 person


    Proof cats can be dicks:



    I nominated you for a Liebster award in today’s blog post: Just payin’ it forward to blogs I love & yours is one! 🙂



    The photos are far too blurry to convict poor Zoe. Besides, is it not Cat Law that anything cats want to use as a toy, is lawfully a toy? This is in the (implied) contract when you start caring for a cat. Granted, the (implied) contract is quite long and complicated, and you will find out what’s in it as you go along, or as you break rules you didn’t know were there. But I’ve got the same stuff to deal with with my current human roommate and said roommate is not half as cute or amusing (also expects money for rent, which my cats have never asked of me)!



    Although you have a very strong case with lots of sort of supporting evidence, I have to say that Mr. Rupe, the defendant’s lawyer, has poked some holes in it. Where did your cat find the money it must have taken to hire this guy? But, no matter, the defendant Zoe looks just like Morrie Amsterdam, so I feel that this disqualifies me from participating in the trial.

    Liked by 2 people


    I suspect the evidence was planted. If you don’t see no litter, you must acquit her.

    Liked by 1 person


    I tried to vote ‘Guilty’ but my own Dumbass the cat jumped on my keyboard and tried to type “NOT” before the ‘Guilty’. Except she doesn’t have thumbs (or fingers for that matter) so she just farted on my keyboard, scratched my hands til they were bloody, then curled up in a ball on my lap and took a nap.



    I dunno, Cary, those photos are awful blurry, I can’t really say for certain it was Zoe that got into the wrapping station and took the bow. . . I can’t say you’ve proven her guilt to me beyond a shadow of a doubt. I’m going to have say Not Guilty.



    Guilty. Let her sentence be to have long curly ribbon strands tied to her collar so that they trail behind her, freaking her out and attracting other cat’s attack attentions. Sentence to be lifted when the Christmas decorations come down.



    Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury…

    I would like to firstly address Exhibit ‘A’
    In regards this so-called evidence….Mr. Vaughn has stated:
    “The stolen good is then used as a toy, a function for which it was not designed. And once this miscreant has fulfilled her own selfish pleasure batting it across the hardwood floor or pouncing upon it…”

    With this said, this picture doesn’t even look like my client. This could be a picture of a stolen cat or perhaps the neighbor’s cat…
    Mr. Vaughn has had a history or doctoring photos, manipulating them to make you believe what he wants you to. Could this not be one of his ‘Photo shopped endeavors’ ?

    “Witnesses in this case will testify to her character that of being a drunk and incapable of managing her temper…”

    Well, I have it on good authority that you, Cary Vaughn do in fact leave Catnip just lying about the house; in fact you plant it in hidden places so that your cat, my client will just act like a crack head at anytime for no reason…..You, Mr. Vaughn are the one that is guilty of provoking this exact behavior for not only your own amusement, but, your profit….
    Without said behavior you wouldn’t be able to write about it and therefore it is in your best interest to encourage this behavior…

    And as far as these so called ‘Witnesses’ go, what Mr. Vaughn has failed to mention his witnesses are not only biased but, on his payroll, and one of them has two lazy eyes……

    What Mr. Vaughn would like you to believe is that if you vote against the way he wants you to, Satan will have his way with your anus and not use any lube or protection…
    But, voting the way he wants, a cure for cancer might happen and it’ll prove that you love your Mom…

    Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, that is not how justice works.

    Mr. Vaughn has not met the requirements to prove my client guilty, he can only prove that my client was there…along with four other cats…

    Forget about cancer; forget about Satan….Find my client Zoe NOT GUILTY…Because you love fluffy kittens.

    Liked by 1 person


    Oh Zoe is most definitely guilty. I live with two of them and I see the destruction and filth they live behind. Entire shelves have been knocked down in my closet all in Miss Kitty’s quest for a higher perch. Let’s not even discuss He Who Sharts On The Wall.



    Guilty! (Of being kind of adorable). They’re like frickin’ kids – you buy them all the kid/cat-appropriate toys and what do they want to play with? A cardboard box, your scrap tinfoil, toilet paper rolls and the lovely bow in Exhibit A. F*ckers. 😉

    PS – WHY do they always want to sleep on the tree-skirt!?? (That “furst present” instagram pic is super-cute).



      I’ve actually started making the toys for the cats because it is cheaper (and if the heathens don’t appreciate it, I can guilt them into believing I worked so hard on them).
      As temperamental as Zoe is (to the other cats…seriously, all the others are terrified of her), I kind of don’t mind that she hangs out under the tree because she can’t climb it and it keeps the others out of it. I like to think she’s the little troll under the tree.

      Liked by 1 person

Trackbacks and Pingbacks:

  1. 11/7-11/13 Did You Read This? | The Insomniacs Dream - December 14, 2014

    […] My very talented friend Cary wrote this hilarious piece about his cat stealing the Christmas bows; when he’d had enough, Cary put the cat on trial for her crimes. […]


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