Incarcerating cats in your condemnable home bounds you to the responsibility of exercising the heathen on a regular basis; after all, even prison yards have workout equipment. But with so many books to read, video games to play, and movies to watch, how can a person with such a busy schedule be expected to muster the energy to dangle a catnip-laced feather toy in an ungrateful feline’s face.
Thankfully, the marriage of imagination and technology allows even the most apathetic cat prison warden the opportunity to enjoy accomplishing such an uninteresting chore because, let’s face it, working your pussy into a sweat should be fun.
All you need is:
A Remote Controlled Car
I recommend acquiring this soon because explaining to the nosy bitch of a cashier that a 41-year-old, childless, gay man is donating the toy to homeless orphans is a more plausible lie during the Christmas season. Any other time of the year, you may have to hire some random child to do it for you. Just be mindful of your hiring practice as a strange, Southern man approaching a family in a department store and saying, “Hey, little boy. You wanna make a quick $10,” causes all sorts of misunderstandings and legal expenses.
Feathers, Faux-Pelts, Pipe Cleaners, Glue, etc.
Once you have introduced yourself as a registered sex offender to your neighbors as required by law, it is time to purchase materials for the purpose of (air quote) pimping the remote-controlled car into an enticing, non-threatening motorized toy.
Prior to modifying the remote-controlled car, consult the cat to learn its entertainment preferences. Does it like feathers? Does it prefer plastic wiggle things? Whatever the feline favors, you can either acquire these supplies online or from a local arts & crafts store.
If you are a gay man like me and stupid enough to choose the latter option, keep these general warnings in mind:
- Arts & crafts stores typically attract the poor. Since they cannot afford to purchase fully assembled blankets, flower arrangements, and/or jewelry, they rely on these establishments for the goods required to make their own. This means that in order not to appear uppity or arrogant, you should not overdress when patronizing these types of stores.
- Poor people typically love Jesus. This is evidenced by the Christian inventory these types of stores stock. Since gays are typically frowned upon by Christians, leave your significant other in the car. Once inside the business, speak as little as possible and walk with your arms stiffly by your side so as not to project your orientation and risk triggering their homo-alarm.
- Arts & crafts store customers typically do not like being judged for looking poor or Christian. Because of this, it is strongly advised to avoid constructive commentary on their appearance and lifestyle choices. This includes facial expressions. These people are adept at reading a Girl-no-you-di’unt grimace all the way from the scrapbooking and paper crafts department.
When modification of the remote-controlled car is complete, it may look like this:
The Cat’s Favorite Toy
The final touch is simply attaching your cat’s favorite toy to the back of the car.
You are now ready to sit on your ass and let technology work for you, and the end results look something like this:
by Cary Vaughn (2014)