Hard Truth to an 11-Year-Old Girl

January 14, 2015 — 13 Comments

The other day, an acquaintance of mine* shared a link to a video with me with the message, “This needs to be the center of your blog next week.”

And so here we are.

When I was Sophia’s age, my hobbies included watching movies, playing with my Star Wars action figures, writing stupid stories, and wasting afternoons on my Atari 2600. But look at her. Not even a teenager and she has accumulated more fans than many bloggers can buy**.

Since she is fairly new to this fame thing and possibly shielded from criticism by a posse of “yes” men, I figured I could provide some honest and unbiased feedback and advice.

So Sophia, if you are reading this, I would like to share my opinions in an effort to develop you into a respectable young, famous woman. However, since you’re still a child, I’ll lighten my typical acerbic approach by providing my feedback through what is known as “the sandwich method.”

In the corporate world, the sandwich method of feedback is where the authority shares one positive comment followed by one “area of opportunity” and then closing with another positive comment.

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

Okay.

  • Positive– You certainly look like you’re having fun.
  • Area of Opportunity – You do realize that this song can easily be an anthem for lesbianism, right? If not, listen to it again. Lyrics such as “Where my girl at,”, “When the boys come around we shut them down,” and “We can laugh at them boys when they talk to us, but they can’t get in” could raise questions.
  • Positive– Your hair is pretty.

 

  • Positive – You come across as very charming.
  • Area of Opportunity – You should never look this excited when walking into a department store (especially a Kmart). Ever. Even on black “Friday.” This advice also applies to pastry shops, strip clubs, bars, or any other business establishment that is not a theme park or massage parlor. 1-14-2015 1-04-59 PM
  • Positive – You dress appropriately for an 11-year-old. Thank you for not acting like a skank.

 

  • Positive – You have a…smile.
  • Area of Opportunity – “Whipping pistols” looks kind of silly when executed by a tween white girl. What are you? Fergie? Or are these gang signs?
    1-14-2015 1-02-17 PM

    Pew-pew, honkey.

    1-14-2015 1-10-43 PM

    I said, “pew pew,” cracka.

  • Positive – Ummm…you didn’t swear or threaten to beat your ‘ho during the “rap,” so I guess that’s good.

 

  • Positive – These are getting hard. Uh. How about I understood most of the lyrics in your song.
  • Area of Opportunity – Fire your makeup artist. I’m sure you are an awfully sweet and pure-of-heart, little girl, but I still wonder what crack whore painted your face and then convinced you that you looked good. Which leaves me to wonder why an 11-year-old needs makeup…
1-14-2015 1-07-59 PM

You can’t just put your favorite colors on your face.

  • Positive – Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…you can stand on your own two feet?

 

  • Positive – I’ve got nothing.
  • Area of Opportunity – You shouldn’t promote the act of buying your friends in your video. I would be your best friend, too, if you bought me stuff…but I’m not cheap.
1-14-2015 1-58-42 PM

I would REALLY like to know what you bought that girl in the turquoise top behind you. She looks way too happy to have had something purchased from Kmart.

  •  Positive – …

So as you field offers from Nickelodeon and/or Disney and are given choices to make on your career’s journey, I leave you with the following:

1-14-2015 2-16-17 PM

* People like me don’t have friends.

** Between you and me, some bloggers pay for “followers,” but don’t tell anyone, okay?

 

by Cary Vaughn (2014)

13 responses to Hard Truth to an 11-Year-Old Girl

  1. 

    Amateurs. THIS is how you do “cute,” bitches:

    Like

  2. 

    Who the hell is this little girl? I must be so out of touch, thank God. You know I adore you Cary, but I have to say I’m a little pissed at you. Now this fucking song is stuck in my head.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 

    She stayed in Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus’s old cabin at Camp Crusty Girl and read their playbooks! FHA Future Hookers of America. Excellent writing though Cary

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 

    Ok, there are so many things wrong with this but firstly: pitch control – she sounds like a frickin’ chipmunk sometimes! AND – she is around 1.5 Chik-fil-a’s away from her CHUBBY years. The last thing I will say is that I suspect that her parents are rich and therefore purchased her studio time (is she otherwise famous? I really am out of touch with the tweeny-boppers these days… My son was obsessed with the Spice Girls for criminy’s sake!)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    Are you ever not funny?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 

    Firstly, I’m amazed you were able to write anything coherent after listening to that more than once, so, well done on your mental resilience.

    Secondly, I’m going to give up trying to gain followers the ‘honest way’ entirely as I don’t have anything in my skill set that would allow me to produce anything like ‘Sophia’ does.

    PS. That video makes me want to sit her down and tell her how shitty real life is just to wipe that stupid smug smile off her face. So now I feel like a monster, thanks for that Sophia.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 

      It’s amazing to me how you seemed to experience the same emotions I did when writing this (i.e. That video makes me want to sit her down and tell her how shitty real life is just to wipe that stupid smug smile off her face. So now I feel like a monster, thanks for that Sophia).

      Liked by 2 people

  7. 

    hahaha OMG This was a first for me and I think I am a pop music junkie! 11?!?! WOW. I admit its comedic value has made me watch this video on repeat all morning. Thanks for the entertainment and I hope she does get to read your blog!

    Liked by 1 person

You got something to say? Say it.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s