A Cat Owner’s Guide to Preparing for Last-Minute Company

January 23, 2015 — 12 Comments

Dear Journal,

If you’ve ever been to my condemnable home (and I hope you haven’t), you may have noticed our door mat greets our company with a single word: “Leave.” It’s a fairly accurate indication of how Partner and I feel about unexpected visitors. Unfortunately, there are times when invasions of personal space are unavoidable. It’s not that I don’t like having people over (well, for Partner, it is). I just don’t like having people over when the house isn’t ready for the cover of What’s Wrong With You Because Your House Is Unnaturally Clean magazine.

Living in a clean multi-cat home is nearly impossible. If it’s not a lingering cloud of fecal funk that was freshly squeezed from the anal tubes of a diuretic cat or the Jackson Pollack-inspired blotches of vomit projected onto the bedroom walls from possibly-possessed cats, it’s the legion of free-range puffs of fur that were spawned from their coat like those creatures from that Cloverfield movie. Keeping the home to my standard of clean requires absolutely no life and enough energy that can only be acquired by irresponsibly high doses of illegal substances.

But company does happen, and for this, cat owners must be prepared with an emergency clean-up plan. If you do not have an emergency clean-up plan of your own, feel free to try the following:

Keep the Lights Low: In many cases, visitors don’t complain about what they can’t see. All blinds and [God forbid a cat owner has] curtains should remain closed. If you must have light, make sure it comes from a low-wattage source such as a night light or dimly lit lamp. If your guest complains about the darkness, don’t get crabby and say, “If you don’t like it you can leave” as being a bitch only encourages him or her to gossip about you later even though the subject of your cat hoarding is already a favorite among your circle of friends.

Keep Scented Candles Ready: At least one abnormally strong candle for each room of the house should be sufficient, and I’m talking ones so strong they make your nose hairs tingle and your eyes water. Lighting these should be your first call to action upon hearing the unexpected knock at your door, but be warned; the open flame will tempt you to simply set your entire home ablaze just for an excuse as to why nobody is allowed inside.

Kick Toys Under Furniture and Low Tables: As cat owner’s know, cat infestations never clean up after themselves. Their peculiar habit of abruptly ending playtime so as to lap on their testicles/anus transforms your floor into a hazardous field of jagged jingle bells and hard, plastic balls. Of course, if I could lick my own balls, I guess I’d probably do less cleaning, too. As a matter of fact, if we could all lick our own balls, unexpected guests would be highly improbably as the world would be too busy between their own legs to socialize.  Time saving tip: this can be performed as you light candles (I am, of course, referring to hiding the toys, not licking your scrotum).

This plan will not produce a sterile and spotless environment, but it will prevent your guests from notifying social services and/or the city authorities. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to see if I can lick my balls again.

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12 responses to A Cat Owner’s Guide to Preparing for Last-Minute Company

  1. 

    4. Get guests drunk as soon as possible and keep them that way.

    5. Play a moral distraction on the telly like Hoarders or Smurf porn.

    6. Casually mention that you can confirm that high-end Cuban cigars have a slight fecal aroma.

    7. Splay the coffee table with articles on the connections between neat freaks and depleted sexual performance.

    8. Two words: patio party.

    Like

  2. 

    Please let me know what candles you use because the same could be said for little boys with dairy issues. OMG

    Like

  3. 

    We have actually hidden. Not lying. Hiding and giggling. Ok, it wasn’t a guest, but it was pretty darned funny.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 

      Partner and I have tried the just-don’t-answer-the-door tactic. I’m not really good at it as it requires a lot of skill to pretend you’re not home. A lot more skill than I have.

      Like

      • 

        Really?? The time I referenced it was my ex’s girlfriend coming to pick up my children, like 3 hours late. I sat in the recliner with the TV on, so I am sure if she looked in the window, she could see me, but I had my head resting in my hand, so it could appear I was sleeping. I think my son was lying on the couch, same MO, sleeping. My daughter was playing mission impossible, crawling around, hiding behind things, getting herself trapped. All the while we were whispering to each other and giggling. No one liked that girlfriend. Not even the ex it seems… You just have to make sure you don’t wiggle too much while stifling your laughter!

        Like

  4. 

    I used to find that a quick sprinkle of Glade carpet powder around the place and then chucking the litter box (and the cat) out in the back yard allowed the place to smell a bit like perfumed cat shit which basically meant people didn’t come round. Problem solved.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    Research for upcoming article? I think there was a movie… “Short Bus”? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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