Wine for Cats is a Terrible Idea

February 10, 2015 — 10 Comments

So a company in Japan sells wine for cats. You can order a bottle yourself. All that’s required is a major credit card, fluency in Japanese, and a shamefully pathetic desperation to not drink alone. Just click here.

It’s hard to dispute the fact that alcohol impairs a sound mind. Inebriation is simply a gateway to bad judgement (and if you can’t relate to this, don’t be offended if we never hang out). This is why wine for cats is a horrible idea. Drunk people are stupid, but a drunk cat? Worse.

Don’t believe me? Below are just four examples I harvested from the field of reasons that support my claim.

Unhealthy Cravings

Cats already have a strict list of foods they shouldn’t eat (e.g. chocolate, onions, anything on my plate), but get drunk with your cat and before you know it, it’s 1 am and you’re both hanging out of your car window at a Taco Bell drive-through talking over each other while ordering two of everything from the dollar menu [writer’s note – don’t drink and drive]. If you’re repulsed cleaning out your cat’s litter box when it’s on a regular diet, imagine how disgusting it will be after your cat hoses its toilet down with a spicy fecal fiesta.

Drastic Personality Change

By a show of hands, how many of you become a different person when intoxicated? This should be all of you. If not, why bother drinking. Do you really think the effects would be any different from a tanked cat? The needle on the emotional gauge of a sauced pussy can swing one of two ways: overly affectionate or lock-yourself-in-the-bathroom-for-protection crazy. If you’re not exchanging slurred “I love you, man”s with your drunk, four-legged companion, you’re huddled in a safe place with a cell phone in your shaking hands as you try to dial 911. No matter which temperament surfaces, your cat will undoubtedly regret what they said and/or did the next morning.

Drunk Stunts

I can already imagine it: “Hey. You…you see that frariger…grafritar…refrigerator over [burp] over there? Yeah. That one. I bet…I bet you I can jump from the cabinet alllllllll the way over to the top of the ‘fridge…What? Nu-uh. It’s not that far. I can do it…I can, too! Shut up. I can do it. Okay. You…you ready? Hey! Look. You ready? Okay. Here I go. Wait. Hold my wine. Okay. You ready? Okay.” [jumps] “Ah! fuck! Oh duuude. I…I’m sorry. I think I made your frerigerator bleed. Stupid thing moved…wait…wait…I think I need to go to the vet.”

Moral of this story: vet bills are expensive when your cat fails to land on their feet.

Sexual Regrets

Waking up next to a poor life choice after a night of drinking is as common as white privilege. This is because alcohol is a magical potion with the power to transform modest prigs into shameless sluts. So now imagine how uncomfortable it would be to witness your inebriated cat make awkward passes at its favorite stuffed toy. Even worse, what if the police showed up at your door the next morning because its favorite stuffed rabbit never gave your horny cat consent? Now you’re not only bankrupt from legal fees, but after the conviction, you’ll be required to perform the humiliating task of going door to door with your cat to inform the neighbors that Mr. Tiddles is now a registered sex offender and can no longer be within 500 feet of a toy store or carnival.

What other reasons do you think cats should drink? Is catnip a safer option?

10 responses to Wine for Cats is a Terrible Idea

  1. 

    Maybe the alcohol would’ve curbed Freeta’s penchant for the scarf-n-barf shenanigans…? Not entirely sure that catnip was at fault for that one. :/

    Like

  2. 

    Cary. None of those kitty wines have alcohol… None.

    Like

  3. 

    My mum had to get rid of her cat recently because it was getting vicious… Swiping her everytime she went near him and making a horrific yowling / growling noise all the time. She’s a seasoned alcoholic herself… Why didn’t I make this connection before?! Obviously she was either feeding him the wrong brand of cat wine or she’d been drinking all of the stuff herself.

    Like

  4. 

    My cat already is a barfing, pooping, Jekyll and Hyde asshole who eats things that aren’t food. Maybe booze will help.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. 

    We definitely keep this stuff away from my brother Steve. He’s bad enough sober.

    Liked by 2 people

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