I Hate You, Technology

February 17, 2015 — 3 Comments

Technology, you have disappointed me.

I understand that you have provided us the benefit of finding cures for deadly diseases, increased efficiency, and endless hours of free porn, but you have broken my heart.

A few years ago, my perfect partner was on prescribed medication. The side-effects of these pills included severe drowsiness. Because of this, he would nod off like a narcoleptic at the strangest moments. When I woke him, he always groggily mumbled, “I wasn’t asleep” while forcing his eyes open.

Being the type of person that prefers to always be right, I used my iPhone to capture him asleep (and me being right).


Like the time I came home from work to find he had fallen asleep in the middle of a video game, drooling.

After taking the first picture, I realized I had ammunition that may be valuable in the future. So I saved it to my laptop. And as the months rolled on, I captured many more, saving them all to the same digital folder.


I took almost a dozen shots of him in front of the TV asleep while either watching a movie or playing a video game.


Or that time he fell asleep while I was talking to him in the car. I even sent the car through the car wash (pictured). He never woke.


Or the time we drove to Nashville to watch Avatar in IMAX 3D. As you can see, I was a little perturbed because that was the most expensive nap I ever paid for. Eventually, I had to nudge him because his snoring began to bother others.

The power I felt as I collected each moment was a rush. The control I imagined I could harness with them was almost endless. I secretly became the dominant figure in our relationship, knowing that if Partner ever fucked up or if I ever wanted to get my way, I could use these pictures as my trump. I delighted in the thought of the shock on his face as I would open my laptop to reveal them while saying, “Oh no. I believe we will watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 again tonight. Otherwise, you wouldn’t want these to be leaked, would you?” I practiced my evil laughter for hours in front of the bathroom mirror just for that moment.

And then you killed my laptop.

I lost them and the accompanying power just like that.

How could you do this to me? How could you wipe away my confidence so nonchalantly?

Were you jealous? Was this a reminder to me that you are the one with all the power? If so, it worked. You, technology, are the omnipotent being in all of our lives, and we bow down to you, okay? So can I have my pictures back now, please? There’s a new MST3K box set that I would like for him to buy me, and those pictures may be my only chance.

3 responses to I Hate You, Technology


    Little black flash drive labeled “Evil” might be too obvious. A grey one labeled “Insurance Info” would be both misleading and accurate at the same time.

    Anyway, who WOULDN’T want to watch MST3K again? “Gamera is really neat! Gamera’s made of turtle meat!” If he’s gonna pass out before the third joke, what does he care?



    So you didn’t keep them on your iPhone?

    Liked by 1 person

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