Welcome back to the first annual Cat Olympics broadcasting from beautiful Memphis, TN. I’m Cary Vaughn, reporting live from the condemnable home where the Litter Toss will begin momentarily. But first, a brief recap of this afternoon’s events.
- Elvis shattered world records in Hurling with the weight and projection of his hairball, guaranteeing he’d take home the gold for the domestic long-hairs.
- In the Stinky Poo competition, the Abyssinian, Zoe, was no contest as she squeezed out a ripe loaf that resulted in an emergency evacuation of the guest bedroom arena until local authorities could air it out.
- The domestic long-hair, Reese, was the surprise winner in Shedding, though Mr. Tiddles has called for Reese’s disqualification due to her unfair advantage.
Coming up in the hour, Furniture Clawing, but first, the Litter Toss.
In the Litter Toss, cathletes are judged on distance, amount, and creativity in the span of eight seconds. Trajectory and upper body strength are critical.
First up is Blind Murphy, a Russian blue originally from the Desoto Animal Rescue.
He’s positioning himself on the mound. Now he’s sniffing the mound, looking for a good spot. He takes his stance, and there’s his first swipe. Oh, but it’s disappointing. Not one clay peddle leaves the litter box. He takes another with the same leg, and it appears as if his head isn’t even in this competition. Each slow swipe into the litter seems uninspired, as if he’s deliberately throwing this competition. I’ve never seen a cat so neat and careful. Now he’s clawing at the wall of the litter box where there is obviously no litter. It makes you wonder how he even qualified for the event. And the buzzer marks that his time is up.
Next up, the Abyssinian, Zoe, originally from Meows & Bowwows. She seems eager to begin as she screams and swats at her competitor as Blind Murphy exits the litter box. That may cost her a few points for unsportsmanlike conduct, but they don’t call her “Crazy Heathen” for nothing.
Without much prep, she takes her stance, spreading her back legs wide as she hunkers, and holy cow look at her go! She’s digging through the litter as if she’s got to bury a body before the cops arrive! And it’s flying everywhere, ladies and gentlemen! Unbelievable. Her front legs are pumping, and the litter is spraying out behind her like a wood chipper. This is undoubtedly a world record. From the bedroom door, the judges are screaming for her to stop. The buzzer sounds, and she keeps going. At this rate, the litter box will be empty in another ten seconds.
After witnessing this, the remaining cathletes have chosen to withdraw from the Litter Toss.
Stay tuned for more exciting coverage of the condemnable home’s First Annual Cat Olympics, and be sure to tune in tomorrow morning for the following:
- 3:00 am – The Sprint: Who has the fastest run time when darting from one end of the house to the other?
- 5:00 am – The Alarm: Who can wake up their slave for feeding the fastest? Points for time, creativity, and overall annoyance.
- 6:30 am – The Trip: Which cathlete can cause the most injury while rubbing up against their walking slave’s legs? Bonus points for head wounds and bleeding.