I Need Your Advice

February 25, 2015 — 16 Comments

Despite rumors of my alleged cat obsession, I am as adept at cat behaviorism as Pat Robertson is to Christianity. This is why I am desperate for your advice.

When using a toilet facility, civilized individuals will take appropriate measures to ensure that their cohabitants are not smothered by the stench of their ass brownies, whether it be a courtesy flush or lighting a match.

We exercise these bowel manners not only out of respect for others but from fear of shame. It’s embarrassing to watch someone react to the smell of your asshole afterbirth with an eye-watering dry heave. It’s humiliating when your significant other teases you about bottling your ghost of turd mass past and marketing it as chemical warfare.  It’s humbling to know your feculent commode can strip paint from your bathroom walls.

However, from my experience with them, cats seem incapable of naturally comprehending this type of disgrace when depositing a chocolate butt biscuit into a litter box. So here’s the advice I need: How can I shit-shame my cats?

If I can teach these cats how to feel shit-shamed, Blind Murphy may try a little harder to cover his brown baby boys, and Reese may actually attempt to cover her mess and not dash out of the litter box likes she owes it back child support. I tried the point-and-laugh method of humiliation every time they popped a squat; however, it wasn’t long before I discovered that my uppity cats are indifferent to ridicule (as I’m sure yours are, too).

Even though cats are difficult to train, shit-shaming is my last resort. I’ve considered more aggressive solutions, but both options formed by my meager imagination would fail to work. For example:

  • I considered herbal anal douches. Blasting their posterior cavity every week with a diluted solution of 11 herbs and spices would be a lot of work for the owner of five cats. The lingering aroma of a fresh-baked pizza or gingerbread cookies after my cats’ bowl movements, however, outweighs the strenuous effort. Unfortunately, every store I visit refuses to sell them to me when I explain “they’re not for me; they’re for my cats.” Because of this, I also think I’m now on some sort of federal warning list.

2-25-2015 1-33-40 PM

  • My mewngineers suggested an enhancement to the leather harness I invented in November where an aerosol can of air freshener can be rigged onto the harness (if you don’t remember it, you can click here). When the cat hunkers for a crap, the can’s nozzle will depress and release a pleasant aroma of clean linen or spring breezes to overpower the stench. Unfortunately, this can be dangerous as I never know when Zoe will be nearby with a lit Virginia Slim Ultra Light 100 dangling from her mouth.

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So to my readers with more cat experience, is there a way I can train my cats to feel shit-shame? Is this a situation suitable for airing on Animal Planet’s My Cat from Hell? I really need your help.

16 responses to I Need Your Advice

  1. 

    If you douche a cat, don’t try hiding from them in the car:

    Like

  2. 

    I have 3 cats, and my solution to that problem was on the other end- diet. Commercial cat food has a lot of flavoring to make it smell good to cats, and it comes out extra stinky in the poo. One of my cats used to poop and run away from the stench quickly without attempting to cover it up, and I could smell it on the other end of the house! I transitioned them to a raw diet (check out
    http://www.catinfo.org ) and was pleasantly surprised to find that they had a significantly lower volume of feces and almost no smell to it. That being said, preparation is a bit laborious and rather disgusting, and every time I make a batch it I bitch about it.

    Like

  3. 

    this goes beyond nasty aroma, but my cat used to perch in the litterbox with his butt hanging over the side entirely! jerk-beyond-measure!!! I no longer have cats, in fact I have become fond of my husky’s disdain for all things feline.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 

    From a behavioral standpoint, most cats don’t need to be shit-shamed. The instinct to bury is hardwired in. So, the first thing that behavior says to me is that they either (1) don’t like their litter or (2) that the box is too small for them to feel comfortable kicking sand/litter over the poop. Of course, Jason’s also totally right. Some cats leave their poop out to assert their dominance over the other cats in the house. Try the Taco Bell method at your own peril. 😉

    The easiest fixes that I can think of are these:
    (1) Try adding more litter boxes to the house, making sure that they’re large enough for the cat to step into it and turn around comfortably. Some cats prefer an enclosed box with a hood. The first cat I ever owned needed that hood or she didn’t feel safe kicking sand. I guess she liked her privacy! Others will bury regardless. (None of my foster kittens has ever had a hooded one.) If the dominance issue is in play, then letting each cat have their own box might take care of the issue.

    (2) Experiment with different types of litter. I’m personally a fan of clumping litter — especially Fresh Step’s multicat (but not the Extreme because the dust from that is awful). My dad’s cats, however, refuse to use the litter box even to pee unless they’re on FelinePine. My guess is that when they were small kittens, that’s what their caretaker used.

    Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    Forget it. It’s a lost cause. You can’t shame us… we’re not dogs.

    Like

  6. 

    I would invite a yellow lab over to the house. They are prone to eating those tasty nuggets and cats are absolutely disgusted by this behavior. This way you can all look at each other, roll your eyes and share a moment, except for Blind Murphy, that is.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. 

    I’ve read that refusing to cover their poop is a form of asserting dominance. I suggest pooping in the litter box yourself and not covering it up. Let them marvel at the massive constructs you create with your own ass and how theirs pale in comparison. Surely they will realize who has dominance and begin to show fealty by covering their own poop..

    Liked by 2 people

  8. 

    I need to know this as well. One of our three cats drops some wicked butt biscuits and it stinks up the entire apartment. Worse, he often does it right before I eat. It’s like he knows. What. A. Jerk.

    Liked by 1 person

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