Are you new to the gay macrocosm? If so, stick around. There are a few things to know before flying out of the closet, tossing hangers and purses everywhere.
In preparation for your transition to this new culture, you may have already found articles online that provide advice. The ones I recently found were decent articles; however, I consider them mere reminders, a rehash of information I already knew. It’s a shame they did not prevent the culture shock I experienced because they failed to address the taboo subject matter that gay men need to know. That is why we are here, to share insight from my own personal experience by mentioning the unmentionable.
I understand that because the world has changed so much since I last saw a vagina in 1999, you may already be familiar with the insider information I am about to bestow. Back then, my understanding of gay culture was limited to studying episodes of Will & Grace and outrageous rumors I collected from my rural peers of North Mississippi. Nowadays, however, you have access to so much Internet and cutting edge television, so feel free to take the information you need and leave the rest behind.
NOTE: Awareness of the following will not, in any way, prevent you from leaving your heterosexual facade behind. Trust me. I’ve tried this by unsuccessfully suppressing my gay identity between the years of 1985 – 1999 (if you don’t believe me, you can ask my ex-wife – circa 1991 to 1999). This essential information is only to help you navigate this new, unfamiliar culture without making a fool of yourself like I did.
1.) Drag queens are nothing to fear: Are you terrified of clowns? Then you understand how I once felt about drag queens. Mind you, I didn’t check to see if any lurked under my bed at night, but I did apply an offensive amount of strategy in keeping my distance from their obstreperosity and haughtiness when one was spotted in my vicinity.
This phobia (or transphobia, as my therapist called it) hatched when viewing my first drag show in 2000. I only wanted to tip the entertainer (we’ll call her Missy Sippy) like others were doing and then enjoy the remainder of her mediocre show; however, Missy surprised me with a “thank you” for my gratuity by grabbing ahold of the overhead railing, slinging her legs over my shoulders, and riding my face like a winning jockey in the Kentucky Derby. To this day, I don’t know if my face burned from embarrassment or contact with pestilential inner-thigh crust.
Many years of cultural submersion has since desensitized my fear of drag queens. I’ve learned that they are people just like you and me (except the dress and makeup). They don’t all want to ride your face.
2.) Butt stuff: Before I begin, please allow me to first address Mom.
I suggest you close your eyes for a moment. This part will compromise my innocent and pure reputation, and I don’t want to answer to any of the following at family gatherings.
Your innocent and pure son
PS – Give Dad a hug for me!
The rumors that you have heard about anal penetration being a well-received form of intimacy among gay men are all true. Most gay men treat their anus like a pack of hot dog buns at a county fair, there’s a lot of sausage going in and out of it. This should come as no surprise to you.
What may surprise you (or at least, it surprised me) is that occasionally you will encounter an intimate partner who will attempt to place his mouth and tongue betwixt the unsanitary crevice of your glutei maximi and chomp away like he’s competing in a pie eating contest. They call it “rimming” or “tossing salad.”
Don’t feel bad for ruining the sensual moment with a “what the Hell?” Also, you shouldn’t feel guilty for slapping said partner when he tries to kiss you with the same mouth he recently buried into your Sarlacc Pit. However (and don’t share this with my mother), you really learn to enjoy it. Just don’t go ass to mouth. That’s disgusting.
Fingering (or knuckle sandwiches as I call them) is also a popular form of anal invasion, too. This, however, I have yet to enjoy. I don’t even like prostate exams. The first finger up my rear came from my primary care physician during a prostate exam. When his gigantic index finger burrowed into me from behind, my knees buckled and the nurses heard me moaning in pain all the way to the reception desk. But if gay porn is any indication, some guys enjoy this. Just know that when your intimate partner begins groping your donkey, he’s most likely not reaching for your wallet.
Okay, mom. You can look, now.
3.) Increase Underwear Budget by at Least 250%: If anything in your dresser drawer bears a Hanes, Fruit of the Loom, or any other low-brand label, destroy them immediately or face possible ridicule from your peers. Having trouble determining if your underwear meets the gay standard? Ask yourself this one question: Did I buy my underwear in a multi-pack? If your answer is “Yes,” may I suggest donating them to your straight friends or the homeless. Another acceptable question is, “Does my underwear have a pocket.” A “Yes” response to this indicates your man panties meet expectation, though I have yet to use said pocket.
Unfortunately, high-quality, attractive men’s underwear is not cheap. The average pair will cost you approximately $20. You can either take a second job to supplement your new underwear budget or re-allocate your food, home, and car allowance. Sure you’ll starve, but you’ll starve while wearing comfortable briefs that contour your package and enhance the shape of your booty. This will make you very popular.
4.) The Temptresses: If you are an attractive gay man, your defection from the heterosexual world will offend many women. There is nothing you can do about this. Just be prepared for the occasional, “You just haven’t been with the right woman” drunkenly slurred into your ear on a night out drinking with your straight, gal friends. This is usually followed by a tongue in your ear or an unexpected open-mouth kiss from the brazen harlot.
Now if you will excuse me for a moment, I am having some uncomfortable flashbacks from which I need to recover.
Okay. I’m feeling a little better, now.
5.) Be Nice to Your Elders: Are you under 40? Do you have a nice body? That’s great, but guess what. Those two commodities won’t last long. If you are relying on your looks to make your way to the summit of Mt. Popular Homo, chances are staggeringly high that before long, you’ll have to rely on your winning personality and/or money or else become battered and bruised as you tumble back to the bottom of its unforgiving social order (and nobody likes a bitter, old queen).
I am of an age where I take great amusement in spectating the gradual social decline of one-time, pretentious, pretty boys. And yes, my other 40-something-year-old gay friends gather at our secret weekly meetings to talk about them.
6.) You learn who really loves you: After coming out, your world as you know it will change. You will be born again, and life, unfortunately, requires lessons learned from growing pains. You may experience the agony of loss from everyone you once loved or only a few. Whatever the case, as you grieve, please remember two things: there is nothing wrong with you, and there is another world out there waiting to love and accept you as you are. In time, you will realize that the people who don’t like you don’t matter. Don’t dwell on it. Move forward. Life is all about moving forward.