To convey our feelings for someone during the 1980s, those prone to romanticism used song dedications via publicly transmitted radio airwaves.
Back then, a relationship was indestructible only when cohered by the authority vested in a disc jockey. He or she would affirm your emotional attachment to someone by broadcasting, “This one goes out to [insert your first name here] from [insert their first name here].”
The song dedication not only branded your significant other as “off limits” (in the chronology of a relationship, song dedications precede marriage proposals), it lyrically embodied your passion and emotion. In the most sincere song dedications, every word mattered, not just the chorus.
So to help you determine if your loved one is fucking crazy, here are a few songs that, if dedicated to you, should be regarded as a red flag. Wait. That came out wrong. If you are sexually intimate with your loved one and read “fucking” as a verb, this would suggest I just called you crazy. Sorry. Just so we’re clear, I meant “fucking” adjectively.
Everything I Do by Bryan Adams
Since this melody fails to disclose the circumstances justifying the melodramatics of killing oneself (and it doesn’t specify said death would be for love), it can only be assumed that said death would be achieved for something completely stupid like threatening to kill themselves if you don’t do anal.
If anybody ever says they would die for you (and they are not the secret service and you are not the president), back away slowly, stop returning their calls/texts, block them on Facebook, and fake your death because you know who else died for someone?
How do I Live by Trisha Yearwood
Because Facebook didn’t exist in the 90s, the broken-hearted only had radio song dedications to broadcast their severely embarrassing co-dependency issues. With this song, the requester is pretty much admitting that they have no life. If you ever dedicated this song to someone that isn’t responsible for ensuring your hospital life-support system remains operable, please note that you not only made your ex uncomfortable, you made us all uncomfortable (and we didn’t feel sorry for you).
I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing by Aerosmith
Not only is this fucking creepy, it makes me worry if the recipient of this dedication understands that they are being slumber-stalked.
Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis
Honey, if everybody in your life is telling you that someone is bad for you, you better listen. If you don’t, your next song dedication may be “He beat me ’cause he love me” or the one-hit wonder, “I just fell down the stairs.”
Making Love Out Of Nothing At All by Air Supply
Pros of being in a relationship with someone who admits they know how to lie, fake it, and scheme: at least they’re honest about themselves.
Cons of being in a relationship with someone who admits they know how to lie, fake it, and scheme: they lie, fake it, and scheme.
The drastic decline in song dedications over the radio is unfortunate and may possibly correlate with the increasing divorce rate.
Are there any other song dedications that I should add to this list? If so, what are they and why should they be listed?