5 Things Gay Men Do That Aren’t Universally Accepted

May 20, 2015 — 12 Comments

Gay culture is an eclectic array that cannot be defined by generalizations like “all gay men have great fashion sense” or “all gay men cried at the end of Beaches.” If you know only one gay person, then you know nothing about me or my friends. We come in endless shapes and sizes from endless backgrounds with an endless combination of interests and habits. The only common denominator is our attraction to each other (particularly if they’re tall and handsome). So when you hear or see any of the following, please know that these habits are representative of a gay individual and not the entire gay culture.

1. Some Call Each Other “Fag”

I’m not really sure why, but some gay men playfully address each other as “fag” or “faggot.” I assume it is to demonstrate their strong bond (one is given an unspoken privilege to call the other by a reprehensible word without inciting outrage). Straight people need to be aware that they are not allowed to use this word no matter how close your relationship with your gay companion. Funny banter can become awkward fast when a straight girl at brunch giggles, “Don’t be such a silly faggot.” This is our word.

Some worry that frivolous use would desensitize others of the word’s rude connotation, thereby making it difficult to determine the playful from the homophobic. To them, fag or faggot is inappropriate. “Butt pirate,” “fudge packer,” “pole smoker,” “pickle sniffer,” “donut puncher,” “knob gobbler,” “rump ranger,” and “anal assassin” are still cool, though.

2. Some Call Female Acquaintances “Hag”

In our desperation for acceptance, how did we end up designating our first group of allies (the female) with such a derogatory term? Fag hag.

Is this term used infrequently nowadays? I don’t know if I haven’t heard it because it is more socially unacceptable or if it is infrequent in my social circle because all the women I personally know would scratch your fucking eyes out if you called them a hag.

3. Some Call Their Anus A “Boy Pussy”

Imagine a romantic evening with an extremely handsome man. As the two of you passionately kiss by the fireplace, you can barely contain the intensity of your desire. His hands claw at your shirt as they clumsily unfasten its buttons. He spreads your shirt apart. His warm hands press against your bare chest. As you kiss his neck, you feel his hot, heavy breath rushing past your ear. He releases a quiet moan of pleasure before pulling you into a tight embrace and whispering, “Yeah, baby. I want you to destroy my boy pussy.”

[insert record scratch]

If we played The $25,000 Pyramid, and I provided clues such as “an abscessed third nipple,” “his parents walking in on you boning their son,” and “your sex partner calling his fart horn a boy pussy,” you better believe the winning phrase is “Things that deflate my wiener faster than the value of the American dollar.”

25000 PyramidIt’s not only ridiculously silly; it’s a new level of vulgarity that would probably make John Waters grimace.

First of all, you can’t go around calling everything you poke your dingaling into a “pussy.” If my orthopod tested the flexibility of my hand by asking me to squeeze it into a tight “hand pussy,” I would seriously question his/her credibility. Can you imagine listening to play-by-play of an MMA match that includes the commentary, “And he’s down, and all it took was one hard hand pussy to the jaw”?

Second, lesbians don’t call tongues or fingers a “girl dick.” Do they? God, I hope not.

4. Some Call Each Other “Girl”

It is incorrect to assume that when a gay identifies another as “girl” (i.e. giiiirrrrrrrll), he is tagged as the bottom. It’s how a gang of gays address each other to display solidarity. If a gay approaches another and asks, “hey girl, whatchu doin’ tonight,” it is understood that they are in good standing with each other and may go shoe shopping. However, if a gay approaches another and asks, “hey Kevin, whatchu doin’ tonight,” something is wrong and a knife fight may ensue. For the latter, quickly find cover as gays fight dirty.

Personally, this is one component of gay culture that I have yet to accept as I feel insulted when another gay man refers to me as “girl” (i.e. “I’m hanging out with my girls tonight,” or “That girl is one funny queen”)? It’s not that I’m embarrassed to be addressed as a woman. It’s just that I’m not a woman, and I am proud of what little virility I have left.

5. Some Add “Gay” To Words

Generally speaking, us gays love a cute play on words. In only 30 days, we can create a lexicon of new words and phrases that would make Shakespeare envious. From gayby to gaycation to Instagay, we enjoy adding our brand of distinction by phonetically merging “gay” into the pronunciation. It’s as if we’re advertising that babies, vacations, and/or pictures are better when they involve gays; though I have to admit, they usually are. And the more the white girls giggle at it, the more we do it.

However, I recently read an article about a gay man who outed another gay man. The writer referenced the ‘outer’ as a “gaytor” (a gay traitor) for betraying the other man’s trust. I couldn’t finish the article. I snagged my concentration on the nonsensical use of “gaytor.”

gaytor

This is what I imagined.

This, to me, was a clear sign that we have saturated our ability to create new “gay” words. Let’s stop trying so hard. The white girls aren’t giggling at them as much anymore.

12 responses to 5 Things Gay Men Do That Aren’t Universally Accepted

  1. 

    I know that I’ve officially reached stalker level, but I can’t seem to stop myself from reading every. single. post. ever. and commenting on them all. I love them so much. And I laugh at them all. ALL OF THEM, Cary! ALL OF THEM! Seriously, that gay alligator slayed me. I’m officially dead. I will never laugh again. Oooo! Wait! There’s a post titled, “How To Brush A Cranky Cat.” I have rediscovered my will to live. Mwah!

    Like

  2. 

    I prefer fruit fly. :p

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 

    And “Bitch”. Some call each other “Bitch”. I kinda think that’s cute, but what do I know. I agree, somebody needs to come up with a better term for “Fag Hag”. Ina Garten is starting to complain.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 

    I also get really offended when people refer to me as ‘her’ or ‘girl’ or ‘she’. It’s because I’m a macho, macho man. And I have a beer belly.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    I look forward to these educational pieces you’ve been doing. They’re like after school specials for those of us who don’t have cable. It’s been a while since I had a bevy of savvy gay friends around (read: 90s) to keep me on the straight and narrow (pun intended) and I feared I’d lost some ground, but…faster than a speeding slur, more powerful than a pejorative colloquialism, able to leap tall rainbow stereotypes in a single bound: it’s Wonder Vaughn!

    Hmm. I wonder what color your Spandex man panties will be in the movie?

    Like

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