The Fear Challenge

July 6, 2015 — 7 Comments

I love chatting with my best friend (whether in person or via text) because our unfiltered conversations often veer into strange territory. For example, there was the time we discovered Archer porn (don’t worry, this is one of the few articles I write that is safe for work),

Text1

I’m green. She’s gray.

the time we thought disease was hilarious,

Text2the time I thought she told a molestation joke,

Text3

the time we discussed taking lolliturds to The Wizard of Oz,

text4

and cats serving in the military.

text5

But during one of our exchanges a few months ago, we discussed our fears, and out of this discussion the Fear Challenge was born.

The Fear Challenge is a simple concept with a difficult execution: confront something you are afraid of while having the support of your best friend.

Her fear is scary movies and clowns. From Ronald McDonald to Tim Curry’s version of IT, my best friend has a hilarious fear of face-painted circus performers.

My fear is having visitors inside my house without hours of intense, sweat-inducing, back-breaking cleaning. If my guests happen to move the sofa, they will not find a dust blanket, a stray cat toy, or hair tumbleweed. If they happen to run their finger along the top of a door frame, their digit will return clean. While my guests enjoy our hospitality, however, I’m on edge, desperate to have them out the door before the cats decide to take a wretched shit or a gerbil-sized ball of cat hair makes a surprise appearance. However, this was too big of a fear to confront so I settled for eating mushrooms.

However, this happened:

Capture

Capital eff you see fuck.

I wasn’t prepared for “tonight.” I had plans earlier in the day that prevented the time necessary to thoroughly clean. However, despite my trepidation, I took a deep breath and replied with, “Cool.”

I thought, ‘Maybe I will have time to at least vacuum. And I could always keep the lights low and burn a dozen scented candles.’ A few messages later I took a deep breath and replied with jittery fingers, “I’m not cleaning for you.”

There.

It was done.

In a few hours,  I would be facing my worst fear. You may be thinking, ‘Whatever. This is your best friend. I’m sure she’s seen your house unkempt.’ To that I say, “Ha! Ask her. She’ll tell you I’ve made her wait on the front porch when she comes to pick me up before going out.”

So I left Partner’s socks on the floor,

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As you can also see, the whore, Reese, is methodically leaving her hair all over the living room rug.

I left the shower curtain draped around the bathroom shelf,

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What? Elvis likes to hide behind the shower curtain so I do this for him. He fucking loves it.

I left mail on the sofa table in the dining room,

Captureand I didn’t vacuum, dust, bleach the bathroom, or steam the floors.

Fuck it.

What I didn’t anticipate, however, was that after many years living together, I had Partner trained. After receiving word of our company that evening, he put away his socks and mail, straightened the house, and lit a candle without me having to ask. He still didn’t vacuum, dust bleach the bathroom, or steam the floors, so there’s still that.

After she arrived, I forced myself not to make excuses or ask how the house smelled. And you know what? It wasn’t even a big deal to her. She never mentioned (to my face) how disgusted she was. She never said (to my face) that she felt dirty being inside my home. She never told me (to my face) that the house stank.

After a short while, I allowed myself to unpucker my butthole, relax, and enjoy our time together. The condition of the house never crossed my mind. Of course, an hour and a half of this may have had something to do with it:

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I wonder what our next fear challenge will be?

7 responses to The Fear Challenge

  1. 

    You’re a fantastic host, Cary!! But seriously – having your best friend over is stressing you out by far too much! – Take it easy!
    I clean in case I’ve rare visitors – having my best friend over she usually waddles angle deep through cat hair. LOL
    (Just kidding!)
    I’ve got kitties, and their toys can be seen… I make sure things are clean – but not sterile.
    Relax. You’re still a GREAT host, even if there’s a kitty hair around! 😀

    Like

  2. 

    Oh man, I get it. I have the worst time with having people over. Even when I’ve cleaned everything I can clean, I still feel like I need to apologize for the cracked bathroom floor, and the weathered carpet that lost all hope of ever being its original color again probably well before I was even born, and the crappy wood veneer chipping off the cabinets…

    But you know what? We’ve started hosting weekly game nights with our friends since the guy who used to host moved away, and it turns out nobody gives two hoots about the decaying state of our dated apartment or how cluttered our coffee table is or if I missed a spot with the vacuum. Sometimes you’ve just gotta accept the fact that you live in a home, not a museum.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 

    Wow – totally did this spontaneously with my BFF as well! I was petrified to ask someone out, I’d never done it before. I kept feeling like I wanted to do it, but didn’t know how and she challenged me, and then followed up, even though we live in different states. Best part, I did it – date went GREAT! Besties are the best! Oh, and y’all are ridiculously cute!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 
    helleanorrigby July 6, 2015 at 2:49 pm

    I am now altering my plans to kidnap you to include additional preparation to also abduct your bestie. I need you two to live with me. I was convinced of this before, but then you mentioned your housecleaning skills, and that sealed the deal. Seriously. I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOUR BESTIE!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    Wow, Cary, you sound like a real slob. hahahaha! You would not last a second in my house! I like a clean house, and I know I’d LOVE to come to your house on your worst day apparently, but I’ve had to give it up. One (untrained) husband, two boys, and one stinky bitch (that would be the dog, not me). After we had kids, my MIL bought us this little wall plaque that says “Our house is clean enough to be healthy, but dirty enough to be happy.” I guess you could say that’s my mantra now. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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