Talk To Your Cats About Meth Addiction

August 18, 2015 — 27 Comments

Dear Journal,

In the span of two weeks, Partner spent over $1,000 on dental work for two out of five of our cats. Only hours after depositing the heathens at the vet’s office for what was only supposed to be a cleaning, I received a phone call stating that numerous teeth required extraction from each cat’s face hole (my words, not theirs).

Rather than linger on what one-thousand-some-odd of Partner’s dollars could have afforded me (that’s a lot of liquor and corn dogs), I launched an investigation (i.e. Googled) into this peculiar and expensive outbreak of dental decomposition.

Since “tooth decay” was too generic a search term for my situation, I typed in “mouth rot” and discovered an alarmingly accurate description of an issue much deeper than just poor hygiene: meth mouth.

As a parent of five cats, I suddenly became awash in negative thoughts and emotions. How dare they lie to me. This explains why so many of their toys end up missing (they sell them for drug money). What will my friends think of me, a parent of multiple drug abusers? Their recreational abuse of a dangerous and illegal substance became increasingly apparent after reading each side effect of the redneck cocaine:

  • Nocturnal hyperactivity – *gasp* No wonder my furry assholes trample through the house at night like a pack indigent Walmartians on Black Friday. I guess whoever told me this was normal behavior for cats LIED!
  • Dilated pupils – So when the windows to their dark souls are open wider than a power bottom’s butthole, it’s not because they are in a playful mood. Now I know the truth.
  • Violent Outbursts – So if I’m petting my pussy when it suddenly revs from angelic to aggressive faster than an evangelical Christian at an abortion rally, I can safely bet it’s high on chicken feed.
  • Over-self-confidence/grandiosity – And to think that all this time I assumed my cat’s arrogance was genetically ingrained into its personality.
  • Hypersomnia  – Son of a bitch. This explains why they sleep all day. I thought they were just fucking lazy. Turns out, they’re crashing after a night on the blue belly.

Knowing what I know now, I will be making an appointment at the free clinic to have them tested for STDs. I learned that users of the crank experience prolonged sexual activity and that many gay cats are known to “tweak up” before hosting or attending sex parties.

My cats don’t have to be imprisoned by meth addiction, though. Thankfully, help is available from the Crystal Meth Addiction Hotline.

Wish me luck, Journal. I have a feeling it is going to be a long recovery, but at least Partner will finally be able to save enough money to buy me that 3D Ultra-HD TV I’ve always wanted.

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27 responses to Talk To Your Cats About Meth Addiction

  1. 

    Omigosh I needed this today. AWESOME.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 

    Reblogged this on Writer's Treasure Chest and commented:
    I think with this blog post Cary Vaughn, a cat daddy of five has a serious point. It is important to keep your house – and your cats meth-free! Enjoy.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 

    Dear Cary. I am sitting here, laughing hysterically. Of course not about your cats – as you said: meth addiction is a serious thing.
    What makes me laugh is the fact that I’ve got the kitties here, looking at them and finally I know what the hell is wrong! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 

    Honest to God, my sister was arrested for meth manufacturing and went to jail for her pandering of this particular substance.
    My point is this: WHAT IF SHE IS YOUR CATS’ DEALER?!?!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    OH MY GOD MY CAT USES METH TOO….

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 

    Who says catnip isn’t dangerous? Look at how many of our furry friends end up chasing the dragon for the rest of their nine lives. This is serious.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. 

    “their dark souls are open wider than a power bottom’s butthole” Best analogy EVER!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. 

    Not sure why I’m still snickering over the “furry assholes” bit but I light the “herbal incense” around the house sometimes so nothing is safe I guess…

    Liked by 1 person

  9. 

    Frickin’ brilliant, mister. By the way, if you put a picture of your cuddly kitten next to what it looks like now – I think the ravages of meth will be obvious.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. 

    And this, perhaps, is why I have a dog. Still, based on his breath, he could be on meth.

    Like

  11. 

    I’m laughing so hard right now, my boss just threatened me with a drug test. My work here is done. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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