I’m a Winner

August 27, 2015 — 18 Comments

Writing for the internet is generally a thankless job, right up there with party clown and/or teacher. People will drop by and use you for a laugh, yet very few will ever remember you after they close their internet window even if the article goes viral (to my gay audience, being viral on the internet is a good thing). For example, have you ever read Missing Missy? You probably have. It is one of the funniest posts I have ever read. Yet how many of you know it was written by New York Times bestselling writer David Thorne?

Yeah.

That’s what I thought.

This is why bloggers are drawn to community awards. In case you didn’t know, a community award is an award that one blogger gives to another. We do this because giving each other praise for our work is probably the only accolades many of us will ever receive. It’s kind of pathetic, but why snub your nose at a turd sandwich if you are starving?

This is why I am finally caving and accepting two awards that were granted to me at one time or another.

There are typically rules that one must follow when accepting awards of this caliber, but there’s a couple of things you should know about me: I have a terrible problem with authority, and I am prone to bending rules to my liking. So with that in mind…

Thanks to Jonathan and Aaron of Husband & Husband for my Blogger Recognition award. These two young men are writers, artists, geeks, and husbands from Los Angeles. If you enjoy comics, fantasy, and gay news, check ’em out. They’re also easy on the eyes.

Michelle Matthews of Scattered Wrecks thought I was worthy enough of a Leibster Award. Not only is Michelle a writer for the Huffington Post, she was accepted and recently participated in Yale’s summer writing program. #jealousofherbutilikehersoihavetokeepmyjealousyhidden

My job now is to share information about myself, but I don’t want to annoy my readers with redundancy. This is what an About page is for. A few facts you won’t find on my about page, though:

  • I’ve liked boys for as long as I can remember but ended up married to a woman once upon a time.
  • I have the social horsepower capable of accelerating a conversation from 0 to awkward in less than one sentence.
  • I studied creative writing under a best-selling, Pulitzer Prize-winning author; he was not a fan.
  • The best rejection I have ever overheard was, “I’d rather masturbate.”
  • When I’m in my car, I don’t listen to music; I listen to comedy sketches. This makes other drivers uncomfortable because I’m laughing hysterically but they think I am having an emotional breakdown.
  • The one joke I always remember is, “What is the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once.”
  • Another is, “What’s great about fucking twenty eight year olds? There’s twenty of them.”
  • As a kid, I refused to believe Mom ever farted. Even when she farted, I blamed Dad.
  • I was not a very bright kid.
  • If I had a million dollars, I wouldn’t buy a house or a car. I would buy friends. That isn’t a joke.
  • When I was a kid, I shit in my sleeping sister’s ear, and I have no idea why.

Now, please allow me to introduce my favorite writing friends (and include an excerpt from one of their articles). Because of them, there’s a chance that I may even one day grow up to be a credible writer. I’m sure many have already received a Liebster or Blogger Recognition, but in case they have not, please allow this my decree of their nominations for both:

So Then… Stories – In 2014, Darcy won the National Society for Newspaper Columnist award in her category. She also has given me great advice. Her site is not good; it’s fantastic.

Maybe I could incorporate SEVERAL colors and some jewels! My VAJAZZLING will be so DAZZLING, viewers won’t even notice I’m going grey down below!

The OMG Spot – An undercover, award-winning journalist who happens to be hilarious. I think she hides behind the pseudonym so she can write her obscene material without hindering her prestigious image. She’s one of my new favorite persons.

I’m pretty sure my health insurance doesn’t cover vaginoplasty or labia liposuction (thanks, Obama!).

The Dusty Parachute – A former Senior Account Director in advertising, she has the same pet peeve as me: talking in movie theaters. She’s written for Redbook, Scary Mommy, and BonBon Break. I love keeping up with her adventures.

For those cats who are just too old and/or too senile to give a damn if they’re actually aiming into their litter box , we offer the C.C.C. Deluxe. The C.C.C. Deluxe is a perfect blend of your old Polish grandmother’s plastic carpet runners and a Dexter kill room. We’ll not only cover the carpet with the thickest plastic material known to man, but we’ll extend the coverage a good 2 feet up the wall so when those stupid bastards shoot for the stars, it will all roll down skate-ramp style and collect in an (almost) easy to clean puddle hidden underneath the litter box.

Pop Depravity – As the About page says, “Pop Depravity is fantastic.  That’s all you need to know.” This relatively new site is a virtual wonderland for pop culture geeks of all ages.

In this age of awesome television, I need a reprieve sometimes from the deep, smart world of other cable shows.  Sometimes, I just need to sit in front of the television and not watch a show that spikes my blood pressure or requires me to look online for episode recaps.  Dating Naked requires only an IQ of 70 or higher to enjoy.

A Pleasant House – She’s pretty much already won everything already, but that’s not stopping me from recognizing one of my favorite Southern divas. She’s the perfect balance of sophistication, elegance, and sass.

Don’t be afraid to excuse yourself with the promise of “let’s do this again soon,” when you have no intention of making good. It’s called Polite Society. Everyone’s lying.

Storytime with John – An adorable teacher of children and world traveler, John is the go-to person for a laugh. I like to read his stories and sometimes be jealous of his cultured life.

…fortunately you can train for this in the comfort of your own home (toddlers, cats, and your bed-bound grandmother make for great training apparatus) – remember to truly believe yourself when you shriek “I’M NORMAL!”; after all if you don’t believe yourself, then why would other people?

Snarkfest – Contributor to the books I Just Want to Pee Alone and Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee as well as friend of THE Mike Rowe, Teri, to me, is the mommy of mommy blogs.

Lynn’s cock was corked. And it was beautiful.

The Shitastrophy – A sarcastic and cynical Jersey girl., she has more Facebook followers as the population of the Republic of Palau. You can find her work pretty much everywhere including Good Housekeeping and The Huffington Post.

I foolishly ask, “How much more is left?” I really don’t want to look while she is pulling off the strips. I prefer to not have a visual of my beaver with a mo-hawk.

Dried on Milk – “Verbal diarrhea with a side of attitude.” That’s the best description for the site from one of the first bloggers I got to know on this writing journey. A finalist of Blogger Idol as well as contributor to the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop, she is the writer on the Internet with the best smile ever.

Since it’s colder than a witches’ titty outside, I thought it would be fun to have a hot cocoa bar where the guests can fill their mugs with all kinds of goodies to make their hot cocoa exactly how they like it.

Kim Ulmanis – Kim is a lover of writing and just cool chick. When she’s not a Route 66 roadie or taking cool photographs, she’s writing or reading about writing.

When you read something you are convinced is 10 times better than the steaming pile of raw sewage you just spilled all over your keyboard, writing sucks.

The Good Men Project – A former editor of LeftyPop.com and writer/creator of My Blog Can Beat Up Your Blog, Lance is a frequent contributor to The Good Men Project.

You know, the Salem witch trials get a bad rep but we haven’t had a witch attack in like 300 years.

Crazy as Normal – I don’t know how she does all she does, but I’ve also known her since the moment I opened my website to the public. She’s a mom/wife/employee/wanna-be-actress/volunteer/pet-lover/indie NPR hipster/do-gooder/activist/lipstick lover/wine spiller/girl

Every time I get a call from home, my cellphone says “Ethan Hawke” and a picture of him smoldering at me pops up on the phone screen. Also. One of my sons may or may not share his name.

Congratulations. You have made it to the end of the longest post I have ever written. I feel like I should reward you with a dick pic or something. Thank you all for everything and allowing me to not be on my best behavior.

18 responses to I’m a Winner

  1. 

    First of all: Congratulations. Two blogger awards is cool (and I’m a little jealous… *whisper*) 😉
    I think you deserve it. And I love your blog.
    I enjoyed to know the information about you that we couldn’t find on the “about” page. Thanks for this. It’s nice to know you a little bitter. 🙂
    Way to go!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 

    This was a great way to get to know more about you, and it was hilarious too may I add!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 

    I’m honored to be named with several other amazing bloggers I’ve come to know and love. Cary, you are such an awesome friend and writer.

    And like Teri, I also thank you for not sharing a dick pic. Imagine me explaining that one to my husband. Yea. Awk. Ward.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 

    And many thanks for giving me yet more ways to spend time while not doing my ‘to-do’ list. Eager to check out some of these blogs that I’m not already enjoying.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    Thanks for not including a dick pic. Not that I don’t think you probably have the most amazingly pretty dick in the world but some things are better left to the imagination.

    And thank you for the award. I am humbled and am preparing my acceptance speech and picking out a tiara shortly.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 

    You deserve about 3 million more awards. I’m going to make up one specifically for you and then mail you the trophy.
    (And no, it won’t be my Pulitzer…)
    (Just kidding. I didn’t win.)
    (And now I’m sad.)
    (How the fuck did this go South?)
    (Cats!! Cary!!!)
    (Happy again!!)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. 

    Thankfully, I only share bullet point number three with you. And look where it got us: gorgeous, articulate, and underpaid. Oy.

    Like

  8. 

    Awards posts are, as a rule, awful. Thanks for breaking the rules. I think I’m going to check out all the bloggers you recommended.

    You are truly a funny guy. I’m so glad I found you (although I think you found me first and that means things are already getting weird.)

    Seriously, thanks for the new names. They all sound like folks who will expell the worst moods.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 

      I am reluctant to admit it (as a blogger), but I kind of really almost didn’t do this post because I don’t like award posts that much either. But fuck it. My ego needed stroking.

      Liked by 1 person

      • 

        Then now is the time to declare yours a “No Awards, Please” blog. You have a few and you know they’ll just keep Rollin’ in if you don’t do something to stop them!

        Like

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