How to Treat Your Home for Feline Parasites

September 3, 2015 — 3 Comments

Dear Journal,

House cat ownership comes with the inevitable infestation of feline parasites. These parasites are more burdensome than fleas, hairballs, and scratched furniture combined, and exterminating these immortal pests is just as frustrating. The more cats you have, the more parasites you will find.

It’s not like you can ignore them and hope they will go away on their own. Left untreated, feline parasites will overpopulate your blessed home, clinging to all cloth surfaces, hanging from ceiling fan blades and picture frames, and clogging themselves into your cat’s throat in the hopes of metamorphosing into an abysmal hairball.

rendering

Pictured: Depiction of pre-metamorphosed parasite.

Due to their accelerated development to maturity, it is strongly advised to exterminate them as quickly as possible for one morning, you may see a newborn parasite roaming across your dining room floor only to come home after work to find it as large as a mutated gerbil.

Hairball

May as well name the damn thing now.

So what is the most effective method of disposing of these parasites?

Well, Journal. I have tried fire (the stench was unbelievable and Partner still hasn’t forgiven me for the damage it caused), water (turned it into a hairball), bleach (turned it into a hairball as well as permanently ruined my favorite sweater), knives (only causes them to multiply), alcohol (for me to consume as a coping mechanism, not for application to hairball), and mental breakdown (it was the most ineffective of all experiments but turned out to be emotionally cleansing).

The absolute best method of treatment is prevention. To prevent an outbreak of feline parasites, it is strongly recommended to keep your pussy shaved on a regular basis (important note: cat, not vagina – shaving your vagina will not prevent feline parasites, but may help in preventing crabs). Unfortunately, I still have not received Partner’s blessing to do this. Every time I ask, his response is so adamant that I fear doing it and just asking for forgiveness later will result in single-hood.

Since pussy shaving will not occur in my gay home, the alternative for treatment of feline parasites that I found to be the most effective is the vacuum cleaner. Approximately once a week, apply the hose of a powered-on vacuum cleaner to all of your household surfaces. It wouldn’t hurt to pass it over walls as well. And be sure you stick it in a feline parasite’s favorite hiding place – UNDER ALL FURNITURE. Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt to apply the hose of a powered-on vacuum cleaner to the ceiling while you’re at it. And I found that rubbing a rubber sponge over furniture will remove the most pesky parasites. About six and a half hours later, your home will be relatively free of feline parasites for about one or two days, depending on how many cats you have.

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3 responses to How to Treat Your Home for Feline Parasites

  1. 

    This is great! I’m glad I know all the secrets now. *grin*
    But you missed one other possibility to fight the feline parasites: get “Sphinx” cats. You don’t need to shave them. They’re already naked. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 

    I hear the ubiquitous Brazilian phenomenon has endangered the survival of pubic crab lice. Apparently, global warming isn’t the only thing reducing habitats out there. Who knows what hapless species you might be held accountable for should you shave all your pussies?

    Like

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