I’m in a bad mood right now, and it’s Instagram’s fault.
Journal, if you’re looking for a picture repository of attractive, shirtless men, I can’t think of a better place on the internet than the ‘gram. The site is overflowing with selfie-worshipers who give praise to their own bodies, yet we overlooked their ridiculous-looking smolder to respond in one or more of the following ways:
- Bitter Jealousy
- Vigorous Chicken Choking
- All of the Above
NOTE: Experiencing a combination of 2 and 3 will require psychiatric intervention.
Unfortunately, some of these Adonises (Adonisi?) swim so deep in their own narcissism, they fail to remember to keep their attention whore mouths shut and just stand there and look pretty. How am I supposed to rub one out when they accompany text with their pictures like:
Thank you greased-up-shirtless-model-pretending-to-exercise.
Until I read this this, I was under the assumption we all lived in different time continuums. It’s a relief to know that I have the same number of hours in the day as my co-workers.
Because of you, I learned that, if I chose to, I can quit my job and spend 6 hours in the gym every day. Unfortunately, I have these terribly pesky things called Bills that must be fed many of dollars every month.
I tried making cash dollars from my body once. I was paid to put my clothes back on.
How bad to I want it? Apparently not as bad as I want to finish off an entire box of Kraft macaroni and cheese in one sitting.
Also, if you don’t mind, can I provide a little writing tip? When expressing with words something about owning and killing, be careful of pronouns. “It” can pretty much be indicative of anything. Some nut bag out there will read you telling him or her to “own it and kill to get it,” and before long, they’ll be arrested for drowning their baby brother in the bathtub and Nancy Grace will be preaching to her dim-witted audience about the dangers of greased-up-shirtless-men pictures.
Are you acquainted with Kim Davis? Did she tell you the secret of how to make so many people want to punch you in the throat?
If you think you are fat, I am certain what you call normal people would disturb me. Flexing for a shirtless selfie (and flexing so hard I bet you farted) while calling yourself “FAT” makes enemies.
To quickly remedy this, we ask that you please do the following: shut the fuck up.
Who knew a talking tube meat sausage could be so philosophical?
Now my mind is blown.
Before I read this, I wanted to be a cross between Chris Pratt and David Sedaris, but now I’m not so sure.
Is this a trick question?
Am I supposed to be a talking tube of meat sausage, too?
Gambling and temper tantrums get my blood racing. Are you saying that both are still worth it? If this is true, I will be sharing your words of wisdom to Partner. He frowns upon both. But you look so full of knowledge, it’s practically about to explode out of your veins.
But I’m struggling with the self-worth. Is my value based on appearance? Or is this worth monetary, like how much a tall white boy would get on the slave trade?
Oh, and you may want to put down your protein shake and delete that last line. There are lots of people who committed suicide that may disagree with you.
Thanks for listening Journal. I feel better already. I knew you would understand.