Just Shut Up and Look Pretty

September 9, 2015 — 16 Comments

Dear Journal,

I’m in a bad mood right now, and it’s Instagram’s fault.

Journal, if you’re looking for a picture repository of attractive, shirtless men, I can’t think of a better place on the internet than the ‘gram. The site is overflowing with selfie-worshipers who give praise to their own bodies, yet we overlooked their ridiculous-looking smolder to respond in one or more of the following ways:

  1. Drool
  2. Bitter Jealousy
  3. Vigorous Chicken Choking
  4. All of the Above

NOTE: Experiencing a combination of 2 and 3 will require psychiatric intervention.

Unfortunately, some of these Adonises (Adonisi?) swim so deep in their own narcissism, they fail to remember to keep their attention whore mouths shut and just stand there and look pretty. How am I supposed to rub one out when they accompany text with their pictures like:

pic1Thank you greased-up-shirtless-model-pretending-to-exercise.

Until I read this this, I was under the assumption we all lived in different time continuums. It’s a relief to know that I have the same number of hours in the day as my co-workers.

Because of you, I learned that, if I chose to, I can quit my job and spend 6 hours in the gym every day. Unfortunately, I have these terribly pesky things called Bills that must be fed many of dollars every month.

I tried making cash dollars from my body once. I was paid to put my clothes back on.

 

 

pic2

How bad to I want it? Apparently not as bad as I want to finish off an entire box of Kraft macaroni and cheese in one sitting.

Also, if you don’t mind, can I provide a little writing tip? When expressing with words something about owning and killing, be careful of pronouns. “It” can pretty much be indicative of anything. Some nut bag out there will read you telling him or her to “own it and kill to get it,” and before long, they’ll be arrested for drowning their baby brother in the bathtub and Nancy Grace will be preaching to her dim-witted audience about the dangers of greased-up-shirtless-men pictures.

 

 

pic3Dear Nipples,

Are you acquainted with Kim Davis? Did she tell you the secret of how to make so many people want to punch you in the throat?

If you think you are fat, I am certain what you call normal people would disturb me. Flexing for a shirtless selfie (and flexing so hard I bet you farted) while calling yourself “FAT” makes enemies.

To quickly remedy this, we ask that you please do the following: shut the fuck up.

Sincerely,

Regular People

 

 

pic4

Who knew a talking tube meat sausage could be so philosophical?

Now my mind is blown.

Before I read this, I wanted to be a cross between Chris Pratt and David Sedaris, but now I’m not so sure.

Is this a trick question?

Am I supposed to be a talking tube of meat sausage, too?

 

 

Gamblipic5ng and temper tantrums get my blood racing. Are you saying that both are still worth it? If this is true, I will be sharing your words of wisdom to Partner. He frowns upon both. But you look so full of knowledge, it’s practically about to explode out of your veins.

But I’m struggling with the self-worth. Is my value based on appearance? Or is this worth monetary, like how much a tall white boy would get on the slave trade?

Oh, and you may want to put down your protein shake and delete that last line. There are lots of people who committed suicide that may disagree with you.

 

Thanks for listening Journal. I feel better already. I knew you would understand.

signature

16 responses to Just Shut Up and Look Pretty

  1. 

    Okay… I was giggling and laughing through your entire blog post. And no – I wasn’t laughing about you Cary! I was laughing because you have so many things these guys don’t have: guts, brains, intellect, wits and humor!
    It is as you say: do we have the time (and money) to hang around the gym for 6 hours a day drinking protein shake mixed with steroids and spend the rest of the time in the tanning studio?
    Do you think women don’t face the same difficulties? What I like most is seeing this: https://aurorajalexander.files.wordpress.com/2015/09/woman-with-dumbbells.jpg
    And hearing her saying “You can look like this too. It only needs FIVE minutes of your time (And this fitness machine for $2800) Five minutes off half an hour?
    That’s why I decided to specialize on kitten pictures… They’re always cute, no matter when and where you look at them.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 

    Hilarious as usual. “Hot legs”?? Sounds like something that should be covered in barbecue sauce and/or sriracha… 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 

    Fat and happy. I know—right? Makes you want to hurt somebody.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 

      My grandmother always described herself as “fat and sassy” and she rocked.

      I would never want to be with a guy like the ones in the photos – I would feel gross by comparison and he would have to spend all of his time in the gym to stay that way. I would rather eat Cheez-Its and watch “A Place to Call Home.” Or “Nashville.”

      Liked by 1 person

  4. 

    Here, this oughta make you feel better.

    Back in my hard core lifting days, I hung around a lot of these guys. Some were sweet, some were medicated, and some were just straight up Assholean. I also met the girlfriends/wives.

    Fun fact: the bigger, tighter, and more calorie-deprived they get, the worse the bodybuilders are in bed and the lower their procreation rate (for more than one medical reason). So, Darwin was right; the lovers confirm it.

    Turns out, you’re actually better off enjoying these guys with Jergens and Kleenex than Trojan and Astroglide. So, go Full Screen and read their photo commentary as instructions for sex….

    “Anything that gets your blood racing is probably worth doing…How bad do you want it…After some pizza.”

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    Reblogged this on F.E. Feeley Jr. and commented:
    Cary Vaughn lighting up the interwebs in this funny and thought provo…..who am I kidding. This is some real shit, yo.

    Like

  6. 

    Vein-y bodies make me want to hurl. And then eat another half gallon of ice cream. #yolo

    Liked by 1 person

  7. 

    I’m quickly learning that as I read your “I’m a Winner” post lol

    Liked by 1 person

  8. 

    Hilarious! I’m digging your blog, just started my own and it’s refreshing to see others with my sense of humor. =)

    Liked by 1 person

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