To the Concerned Cat Owner in My Neighborhood

October 5, 2015 — 15 Comments

Dear Journal,

I was going to let this go, but fuck it. I have a headache, a smart mouth, and my very own website. [*giggle* I wrote “but fuck it.”]

I am aghast that the Center for Disease Control has yet to alert the nation of an epidemic that is crippling our once-civilized society. Self-Perception Displacement Disorder (or more commonly known around the internet as Center of the Universe Syndrome) is a seemingly contagious and currently incurable mental disease that is spreading faster than a zombie apocalypse.

A person stricken with SPDD typically lacks any physically identifiable traits. They appear to live a regular life like you and me. It’s as if the condition stays dormant until you have an unfortunate encounter with one. It is then that you notice their lack of empathy and common sense, and the logic of an SPDD can be known to cause unbearable levels of frustration in those with half a brain.

To give you an example of how to identify SPDD, I recently discovered that somebody in my neighborhood is living with this incurable condition when they posted the following message on our neighborhood’s Next Door site:

concerned cat owner

Notice how the writer fails to realize that we are not this cat’s babysitter. It is as if this person would blame a homeowner for their feline’s demise if said cat were to lick antifreeze from a driveway or hop a fence containing a viscous dog. Also notice how the writer is incapable of understanding why “some people” offer a seemingly-stray cat food or letting the seemingly-stray cat into their home. It’s as if the writer is asking, “Why isn’t everybody else as heartless as I am when I see a stray animal that appears to be begging for food and/or shelter?”

In a situation like this, it is best to smile and back away slowly. Do not engage one with SPDD by saying something like,

  • “Look, lady/sir. If you let your cat out to wander, you have to understand that you are rolling the dice on whether or not it will come back in the same condition, if at all,” or
  • “You really want my advice? Okay. If you’re so concerned about this, keep your cat inside,” or
  • “Here’s how to train your cat to be an inside cat: don’t let it outside,” or
  • “Why in the ever-loving of holy fucks are you allowing a special needs cat (allergies?) out of your care,” or
  • “I usually don’t have a problem with people letting their cats roam, but I do have a problem with strangers telling me what to do.”

None of these would benefit you, the cat, or the afflicted.

Until there is a cure, it is advisable to avoid anyone with SPDD. They will drag you into verbal battles you can’t win. As for me, Journal, I’ll be constructing a bunker for my husband and me to stay in until everyone with SPDD ends up eating each other alive. Only then will we return to society.

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15 responses to To the Concerned Cat Owner in My Neighborhood

  1. 

    yeah, no. mine attempt escape often, but it just isn’t safe for them out there! There was this one time, the big boy tried, but didn’t make it past the screen door, and I didn’t notice his attempt and closed the inside door. I don’t recall how long it was he stood between the doors before I heard him calling for help……. and yet, he continued to try…..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 

    Sigh. I have an indoor/outdoor cat. He will not negotiate; he’s only partly socialized. Yes, it’s a gamble, and where I live coyotes (and cars) are a bigger danger than poison.
    I’ve had many such cats all my life, and only one was poisoned, at an advanced age. That said, yes, it’s nobody else’s responsibility. Please don’t hate me.

    Like

  3. 

    I’d be shaking my head reading a not like this from a neighbor – and then stuff it behind his tonsils. What a moronic cat owner, really…
    But you are you – you’re telling it to the diary – and nobody will ever know. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 

    OH MY GOD. I READ THIS TOO ON NEXT DOOR AND GOT SO MAD. I was like, “Oh all this bad stuff happens to your cat when you let it out, but you still let it out? And now it’s our responsibility to worry about your poor cat who has no real cat mom?” Here is the thing- G wants to go outside with his whole cat heart… WHOLE HEART. He yearns for the outdoors. He meows a woeful meow of his people at the door like something will change day to day. If I am outside it’s worse. But much like a toddler yearns to eat only candy for 7 days or never ever sleep EVER AGAIN, I recognize that as his human mother, I perceive the various dangers that he could encounter that might hurt him (DOGSCARSPOISONBEEBEEGUNSPEOPLEWHOHATEBLACKCATSNIGHTTIMEOPEOPLEWHOLOVECATSANDWOULDSTEALHIMBECAUSEHESGLORIOUSMAILMENMAILWOMENANIMALCONTROLFENCESCOLLARCHOKINGTREESRACCOONSOTHERCATSETC.) I mean basically the list of things that could shorten a cat’s life go on and on, and statistically it does shorten significantly when you let them outside. So much like a parent of a child who says, “NO YOU MAY ABSOLUTELY NOT GET A FOURWHEELER BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND ALL OF YOUR BONES INTACT” I say to my cat, “Dammit stay inside.” It isn’t hard. I got him a cat leash, we hang out on my porch, he stays alive. And not babysat by the entire neighborhood or dead.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 

      Exactly! Our vet encouraged us to keep ours indoors (the non-handicat ones..I would NEVER allow the handicats to roam) because the life expectancy of an outdoor cat is apparently much shorter. ALL of our heathens yearn for the outdoors. But like you, it’s a solid “Nope.” I occasionally allow the handicats outside (supervised) and also have a cat leash (which I haven’t used much, but they don’t seem to mind it). But I keep them in because reasons.

      Like

  5. 

    Two things run through my mind when I read her words. One, is she twelve? And two, who the hell raised her? She makes about as much sense as a stripper who slaps you for staring.

    My instinct is to take the cat in, drive it a state away to a loving friend with a safe property for the cat to roam, and respond to this confused woman’s inquiries with, “Really? You had a cat? What did it look like?”

    Liked by 2 people

  6. 

    So, I see you are still funny. I am glad marriage hasn’t changed you.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. 

    I’m certain you need to rewrite this as if the SPDD neighbor is referring to one of his/her kids. I’ll be back to check your work.

    Liked by 2 people

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