Clean Jokes

November 2, 2015 — 9 Comments

Dear Journal,

Conversation is hard. This is most applicable when getting to know someone I just met (a stage of companionship where comfortable silence is most awkward and not yet acceptable, trust me).

When starting a conversation with a stranger who has potential, I can either dig for common ground with general and boring questions or do what I normally do, talk about myself. My friends say the latter is narcissistic. I call it Game Showing because contestants are obligated to share their life story with the host. It’s part of the program format.

If I ever experience a situation where I’m uncomfortable talking about myself (something I can’t imagine), jokes are a great way to break the ice. Unfortunately, with my type of humor, I have to be cautious. Sharing my favorite joke in mixed company (“What’s so great about fucking twenty eight year olds? There are twenty of them.”) won’t always go over so well. I may laugh at the recipient’s appalled reaction but then notice her covering the ears of her 7-year-old daughter I didn’t realize was there. And before I get a chance to follow up with “Last night in bed, my boyfriend called me a pedophile. I told him, ‘That’s an awfully big word for a 6-year-old,'” the Chucky Cheese manager demands that I “leave before I call the police” because a few parents at a nearby table complained.

mug shot

Though my mug shot will look pretty hot.

This is why I am posting a few harmless knock knock jokes to my journal so that I can access them if necessary.

Guest Behind Closed Door: Knock Knock

Homeowner Who Obviously Does Not Have A Window Or Peephole: Who’s there?

Guest: Spell

Confused Homeowner (Or Come To Think, Maybe A Renter Of An Apartment Or Squatter In Abandoned Mobile Home): Spell who?

Person With Terribly Cruel Parents that Named Their Newborn Baby Spell: Double you aych oh.

sticker

Tashare? Is that Indian?

Before telling the joke above, I guess I should remind myself to be sure my intended audience can spell. I mean, I can’t go around asking strangers if they can read. It’ll come across as arrogant and/or upset an illiterate (more than usual). Maybe I should just skip this one and go to the next one.

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

To

To who?

To whom.

tomb

Be sure to enunciate your punchline or else it will sound like this (and make absolutely no sense).

This one won’t work unless I deliver the punchline with an upturned nose and uppity intonation. But what if my audience is literate yet grammatically challenged? They won’t know why this is funny, would they? Maybe I should skip this one, too. How about:

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Nobel

Nobel who?

No bell. That’s why I knocked.

Shit, that pretty corny. Maybe I should just stick with offensive jokes. At least this way, I can weed out the type of people I prefer not to know in the first place.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Lick my who.

Lick my who who?

Gross. I’d rather masturbate.

signature

9 responses to Clean Jokes

  1. 

    Ok, so I laughed at all of em…. If you are worried about yourself, what does that say about me??

    how bout this one?

    Knock knock

    who’s there?

    Little old lady.

    Little old lady who?

    Oh! I didn’t know you could yodel!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 

    I’m trying to think of some jokes you could tell without insulting, hurting, embarrassing, freaking out or shocking someone… and it turns out – I know none. Hmmm. I guess I usually don’t start telling jokes before I’m sure people know my kind of humor. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 

    I think you should read stuff from your blog to people you are just getting to know:) If they laugh, you can tell them it is you. If they don’t, then they are probably dead and I hear the walking dead are not fun to hang around.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 

    If we ever get to see each other again (dear God, can we please make that happen soon, pretty please?), I’ll share with you my favorite horribly offensive jokes! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    Life in Two Easy Steps

    1. Stick with the stuff that cracks YOU up. It weeds out the boring people fast and leaves you with an exciting, minty-fresh life.

    2. Always have mints.

    Liked by 1 person

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