The Cat Burglar

November 9, 2015 — 17 Comments

Dear Journal,

REAR BEDROOM GLASSBREAK ALARM

This is the message that appeared on my iPhone while at the office last Friday. Fear for my cats’ safety and violation of my personal space caused my hands to shake as I studied this message, hoping the app would follow up with a WHOOPS FALSE ALARM MY BAD IT’S ALL GOOD message.

Being as famous as I think I am, Steven and I need a good home security system. I hear and read about break-ins often, yet as aware of them as I am and even as I stared at the alarm message, I had trouble believing this was happening to me.

I am jolted out of my shock by my ringing phone. It is the security company. No, I’m not home. Yes, please call the police. I am on my way.

I try my best to maintain the speed limit on the 11-mile trip through East Memphis. That morning, before leaving for work, I decided to lock Zoe in the guest bedroom (the source of the alarm) because she gets along with the other cats as much as ISIS gets along with gays. As a matter of fact, she feels a hatred for Blind Murphy that is so deep, only demons and Joshua Feuerstein can relate. Whenever Blind Murphy unknowingly wanders nearby, Zoe screams alarmingly loud, like somebody stepping on her tail, and vigorously swats at the unsuspecting handicat. I was hoping this respite would settle Blind Murphy’s nerves; however, at that time, I couldn’t help but worry that some animal-hating reprobate that broke into our home was torturing Zoe.

Upon arriving home, Steven and I exchange texts that unfolds this story. My messages are in blue.

phone1

phone2

phone3

As Steven sent the last four messages, I cautiously wandered the house, stepping silently along the hardwood floors, listening for any foreign sounds. I tip-toed into the hallway and looked to my left at the closed guest bedroom door when I heard a sound that dropped my guard and broke my heart. It is a pitifully low, rumbling meow from Blind Murphy that said, “For the love of God, somebody please let me out. I’ve been locked inside of a room with a mentally deranged animal.” His plea sounded worn and defeated.

How could I forget that Blind Murphy’s morning routine was to climb out of our bed for breakfast and then climb onto the pillows of the guest bed for a siesta? How could I have been in such a hurry that I didn’t see his gray body of fur as I quickly closed the door to prevent Zoe’s escape?

I opened the bedroom door and scooped Blind Murphy into my arms. Zoe had her back turned so, being deaf, was not aware of my presence. I carried Blind Murphy to safety and closed the bedroom door. This is when I texted Steven the final message above.

Halloween came a day early for Blind Murphy. Instead of a treat, though, he received a hearty portion of whoop-ass. At least I learned a few lessons from this vicariously traumatic experience:

  • Zoe is indeed capable of setting off the house alarm with her supernaturally loud voice.
  • It takes a lot of treats, attention, and new toys before a blind cat will forgive you for locking them in a room with a psychopath.
  • Deaf cats with mental issues are unapologetic.
  • Good intentions are only worthy if they are executed with care (e.g. check for stray cats before closing a bedroom door on a temperamental cat).

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17 responses to The Cat Burglar

  1. 

    That was quite some adventure you got there with Blind Murphy and Zoe. Still. You love them – and there’s hardly that much they can do wrong, isn’t there? 🙂
    At this moment I wish for some reason I could hug you – just for being so wonderful and patient with these great kitties!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 

    Is Zoe old? My 15 year old girl has gotten very VERY loud, and her meow is very different when she is yelling. When she see’s one of us she goes back to her little tender meow. I wonder if she’s got kitty alzheimers and doesn’t know where she is when she gets so loud, then she’s relieved when she sees one of us….

    I don’t have home security, and I don’t think it would help at all, we were the victims of a shooting last week. Security system wouldn’t have prevented bullets. If I wasn’t crazy before this has certainly pushed me closer!

    Liked by 1 person

    • 

      She has a condition called cerebellar hypoplasia so she has developmental issues with her brain (oh, and she is also deaf, so I’m sure she isn’t aware of how loud she is being..lol). But this causes some strange behavior in her. She will forget who we are until she smells us. And thankfully, we do not live in an area with stray bullets. How awful to live in fear like that all the time.

      Like

      • 

        It’s new for me too Cary, I didn’t think I lived in that kind of area. 29 years in this house. There was nothing “stray” about it, it was quite intentional, however I believe the idiots chose the incorrect house…

        Liked by 1 person

  3. 

    This could happen in my house—-love it!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 

    “Being as famous as I think I am…” That’s my new life motto. Because it’s AWESOME.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    I cannot even understand how a loud cat can set off a house alarm. Tell Zoe that there’s a food truck in Denver that makes sausage out of ANYTHING… LOL poor Blind Murphy! Freeta set off the alarm so many times (Slomin’s SWORE the motion detectors wouldn’t pick up a 15 lb cat!) that the police probably wouldn’t have come for a real alarm. :/

    Liked by 2 people

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