One of the most commonly known facts about cats is that they are drawn to Christmas trees like Mexicans to an American border. A decorated tree may be a symbol of the holidays to you and me, but ask any feline what they see, and they’ll tell you, “meow” (because they don’t speak English). Every holiday season, my cats swarm the Christmas tree, and by New Years Day, there are at least three dozen ornament casualties by the time I drag it back into the attic (the tree; not the cat).
This year, though, Christmas in my home will be festive, Goddamnit. I am determined to have a fully decorated tree in my living room between the day after Thanksgiving through Christmas day. The cats will not fuss with the dangling ornaments or get tangled in the Christmas lights. And how will I accomplish this? Allow me to share my master plan, a plan that will keep my cats out of the Christmas tree.
ITEMS NEEDED TO KEEP YOUR CAT OUT OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE:
One decorated Christmas tree
One small, loud, motion-/sound-detecting Halloween decoration
One entitled heathen (i.e. cat)
1. Erect Christmas tree in preferred location of your home. If you are re-using an artificial tree (as I do), be sure to vacuum the heavy coat of cat hair from the branches because you were too lazy to do it before you put it away last year.
2. Decorate Christmas tree. It is advised to play holiday music during this task. It’s hard to be disgruntled about the inability to display your beautiful, fragile glass ornaments when songs about Santa are playing in the background. Don’t dwell too much on how you didn’t bother decorating last year as this will only result in the cat wondering why your suddenly screaming at it for no reason.
3. Secure the small, loud, motion/sound-sensing Halloween decoration near the base of the Christmas tree.
4. Turn on small, loud, motion/sound-sensing Halloween decoration.
5. Wait for heathen cat to trigger the Halloween decoration. As the unseasonal device viciously growls and shakes, it will scare the ever-loving shit out of your precious pussy. Your cat will run for shelter under the guest bed, and your tree will remain ornamented. I call it the Ghost of Christmas Stay-the-Fuck-Out-of-My-Tree.
This element of surprise may cause…
1. Heart palpitations from your significant other while he/she is watching a scary movie alone in the living room and discovers you rigged the tree because you forgot to tell him/her about it.
2. Ruined underwear while placing presents under the tree because you forgot that thing was there.
3. Inquiries about your sanity because you forgot to turn it off while hosting a holiday party.
However, the warnings listed above are worth it, because thanks to a carry-over decoration from Halloween, everybody will be able to have a merry Christmas.
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